Pros and Cons
by meganichan04
Summary: Millions Knives takes the Gung Ho Guns and his brother to a villains convention. Some crossover, mostly with InuYasha. Humor, tiny bits OOC
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** Hello again, everyone! This is Meganichan04, here to bring you another fun-filled fanfic after three whole hours of trying to install Corel word perfect. (As you might be able to tell, the little Angel of Technology hovering over my shoulder finally prevailed and I got it all to work out.)

This fic was written quite a while ago, before I learned how to post my work. It's sole purpose was to force the Gung-Ho Guns to have some fun, and I stuck Vash in there to appease my slavering fangirl of a pet senior. (Long story behind that one.) It has been revised slightly from the original, and I sincerely hope you enjoy it.

**Disclaimer: **The characters written about herein belong to the people who first created them; the Trigun cast to Yasuhiro Nightow-san, and the InuYasha crew to Rumiko Takahashi-san.

**o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o**

"A thousand bottles of beer on the wall, a thousand bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around, nine hundred ninety nine bottle of beer on the wall! Sing it with me, guys!"

"Next rest stop I see," Millions Knives muttered threateningly, glowering up at the rearview mirror, "we pin a twenty double dollar bill to his coat and toss him out."

"Well, Master," Legato Bluesummers drawled from the passenger's seat beside him, "not to be disrespectful, but when Chapel wanted to 'bring a friend,' I would have thought you would have immediately known to whom he was referring."

"Shut up, Legato." Completely disregarding the heavy traffic conditions, the plant craned his neck to glare at the oblivious singer in the backseat. "Vash, I realize that a lot has changed since we were kids, but I can still kick your ass blindfolded with both legs tied behind my back. So be quiet!"

Vash looked up. "Did you say something, Knives?"

"Just shut up so I won't have to prove myself by pulling over and beating the living crap out of you!"

The younger blonde paled and stopped short, the nine hundred and ninety sixth beer never making it down off the wall. "Sorry. I'll shut up."

**O.O.O.O.O**

Knives, Legato, Vash the Stampede, Nicholas D. Wolfwood, Midvalley the Hornfreak, Zazie the Beast, Dominique the Cyclops, and Rai Dei the Blade had bee stuck in the van for nearly seven and a half hours, and Knives was going slowly insane. Well, even more insane than usual, if that's at all possible.

The road trip to the So, You're So Evil You Could Swap Notes With Satan? Villains Convention had started poorly. Knives had been beyond indignant when he realized that he would either have to endure the humiliation of driving a minivan like a soccer mom or leave the Gung-Ho Guns at home. Not just everyone at the convention had a gang of deadly outlaws that obeyed their every whim, so Knives was unwilling to leave his minions at home and lose the chance to show off. Therefore, his only consolation was to slap an "I Don't Break For Spiders" bumper sticker on the cherry-red horror of a vehicle before they pulled out.

Next, the plant had been forced to trust Chapel the Evergreen, Cain the Longshot, E.G. Mine, and Hoppard the Gauntlet with the task of transporting Monev the Gale and Grey the Ninelives to the convention in a rented U-haul trailer. The only reason he had done this was the fact that the four Gung-Ho Guns and their "cargo" were expendable. No big loss for Knives if they screwed up and died on the way there. Which they probably would.

Then, at the very last minute before they were to leave, Wolfwood had run up to his boss and pleaded to be allowed to bring a friend along. Knives, distracted by Legato trying to load the van with forty pounds of Armour hotdogs, had absentmindedly agreed to the request, thus resulting in Vash's bad singing for three hours straight.

Since six a.m. they had run into a never-ending chain of roadblocks, detours, traffic jams, construction work, and heavily tolled highways. To make matters even worse, Zazie's sedatives had worn off at noon and the suddenly fully-awake demon child had bitten off a large chunk from the back of Legato's seat. Dominique had been elected to give the Beast more tranquilizers, as she had the best chance of success due to her hypnotic eye. Dominique now looked like she had picked and lost a fight with a weed whacker, and she was very, _very_ angry. Zazie had enthusiastically eaten half of her hat, foaming at the mouth as he did so, before the drugs had taken effect and put him under once more. It was now almost time for the child to have another dose, and the Cyclops was just waiting for one of the men to suggest that she be the one to give it.

Now, they were roughly four hours from their destination.

"Um, Master...?" Legato began hesitantly. When he received no orders to shut up or any smacks to the head, he continued on, encouraged. "When exactly were you planning to stop?"

"Stop? Why would I do that?"

"Well, I just thought that we might possibly stop for some lunch, seeing as how we have not eaten in nearly nine hours."

In the back, Wolfwood, Vash, and Midvalley let out a collective happy-gasp. After Vash had been scolded for his singing, they had started up a game of "I'm Going On A Trip." Every item they mentioned was edible, resulting in the three of them getting very hungry very fast.

"I want KFC!" Zazie shouted, excited by the prospect of food. His sedatives had begun to wear off again and he thought that a restaurant would be the perfect place to enact a little post-nap mayhem.

"No, Zazie, we had Kentucky Fried Chicken yesterday," Dominique pointed out. "Let's get something else this time."

"No! KFC!" Zazie screamed.

"Ooh, ooh, let's get donuts!" Vash said, leaning forward over the seat in front of him.

"KFC!" Zazie shrieked.

Wolfwood pulled the rather excited Humanoid Typhoon back into his seat by the collar of his enormous coat. "Sit down, Tongari. We want real food, not sugar-loaded globs of deep-fried dough."

"But donuts _are_ real food!"

"KFC! KFC!" Zazie howled, kicking and thrashing. Rai Dei covered his ears, the expression on his face telling everyone present that he would rather be anywhere else, including Hell, at that particular moment.

"Legato," Knives mumbled absently as he scanned road signs, "shut that little brat up."

"With pleasure, Master." Legato leaned over to stare evilly at the child in the seat behind him. They glared at each other for a few moments before Zazie kicked the psychic in the face with one grimy little shoe.

"**KFC!**"

"Ouch! Master, did you see what that little piece of shit did to me?!"

Growling in frustration as the Beast and his favorite minion began an all out war, Knives cut across four lanes of traffic and zoomed down an exit ramp at seventy five miles an hour. "If you two don't shut up there will _be_ no food for the rest of the trip!"

Utter silence reigned as the van pulled into a Taco Bell.

"Yay, tacos!" Vash yelled, leaping out of the van. "Race you in, Nicky!"

"No fair! You got a head start!" Grabbing the Cross Punisher off the top of the vehicle, the priest ran after his friend. Dominique and Rai Dei followed somewhat more slowly.

"So, Rai Dei. You think they're gay?"

"It's a possibility."

Midvalley stood slightly behind Knives, who was watching Legato chase Zazie around the parking lot and wondering why he hadn't thrown the little boy out on the highway hours ago. "So, Master, what made you choose tacos?" the Hornfreak asked, checking Sylvia over to make sure she hadn't suffered any damage during the ride. "I wouldn't have taken you for a Mexican kind of guy."

Knives, unwilling to admit that he enjoyed any sort of spider-food whatsoever, turned uncomfortably away from the sax player. "It was simply the first advertisement I saw. Besides, I'm going to enjoy the look on my brother's face when he bites into a taco and I tell him it's made from cat meat." Midvalley looked ill. "Uh, it's not, by the way. Legato! Bring the child and let's get this over with. I want to get back on the road as soon as possible."

Zazie, hearing this, ran faster in an attempt to get Legato in trouble for not being able to catch him. Fortunately for Legato, however, the Beast also tried to turn slightly and blow a raspberry at him while he was running. The demon-boy tripped, enabling the blue-haired man to capture him and drag him into the restaurant.

"Try to behave yourself, you little monster," Legato growled as he escorted the blonde boy up to the register by one ear.

"KFC," Zazie pouted.

"Just behave yourself now and we just might stop at KFC on the way back from the master's convention."

The Beast brightened up at this and shoved Midvalley out of the way to place his order. "I want four burrito supremes and a Mountain Dew. And make it snappy!" he told the cashier. Somewhat taken aback by the child's assertiveness, the girl glanced at Midvalley for permission to ring up Zazie's order.

"Go ahead," the sax player said with a forced smile, patting Zazie's head with a little more gusto than was necessary. "He's a growing boy!"

"Ow, that hurts! Knock it off!"

After the rest of the gang had placed their orders, Knives stepped up last of all. It had been very hard for him to choose what he wanted, as he had been craving anything from Taco Bell for more than a week, but he finally made up his mind. One of everything, to go. What he didn't eat then, he could always stuff into the cooler and eat later.

"Can I help you, sir?" the cashier asked innocently.

"Yes, I will have one of everything. To go."

The girl paused, not sure if this oddly dressed man was serious, then shrugged and rang it up. She wisely resisted the urge to sarcastically inquire if that would be all and asked instead, "What to drink, sir?"

"A large water." Which makes a lot of sense, as Knives is in fact a plant. Get it? No? Then I suggest you go watch a few more episodes of the show before you finish this story.

"Will that be all, sir?" the girl asked, managing to keep all traces of sarcasm out of her voice, lucky for her.

Knives glanced around, trying to locate his minions. "I suppose everyone has ordered, so I do believe that will be all."

"Alrightie," the cashier said cheerfully, pressing the total button, "then your total will be–" The girl stopped mid-sentence as Knives pulled out his gun and began to examine it.

"You know, I just remembered that I neglected to bring any spider-currency on this trip..."

"T-that's p-perfectly fine, s-sir," the cashier stammered, white as a sheet under her makeup. Y-y- your total comes to...y-your total c-comes t-to...to absolutely nothing! It's totally free! On the house!"

"As well it should be." Knives nodded, satisfied, and walked away to await his food, tucking away his gun in the process. The girl who had taken their order fainted dead away, disappearing behind the counter with a loud thud. God, he loved being evil. The plant meandered down to the order pick-up section of the counter, shoving Zazie out of the way as he did so.

The Beast, who had been helping himself to the hot sauce display, snarled at his pushy master before slinking out into the dining area. He would revenge himself later. Just then, though, he had something more interesting to attend to. Wiping sauce off his mouth with one sleeve, the little boy crossed the room and prepared to accost some random Taco Bell patrons.

"Here, Rin," Sessho-maru yawned, handing the little girl a crumpled bill. "Go get yourself some cinnamon twists."

"Yay! Thank you, Lord Sessho-maru!" Rin scrambled out from under the table where she had been eating her taco and watching Sesame Street on Kanna's mystic mirror. (When the wind blew just right, it picked up cable.) Leaving the paler girl engrossed in the antics of Big Bird and Elmo, she took the money and scampered toward the registers.

"Jaken, you go with her."

The small, green demon flinched. "Yes, m'lord." Obediently he got up to follow the girl, leaving his nacho supreme half eaten and sighing to himself. "Lord Sessho-maru does spoil that child so..."

The great Lord of the Western Lands watched them go, not thinking about anything in particular...until a small boy in a cowboy outfit approached the table and began to stare straight at him. This also garnered the attention of the other two patrons at the table. Kagura and Naraku glanced up from their trays, slightly curious. Kanna peeked out from under the table. The kid looked like he meant business.

Knives was collecting his food when Legato came sidling up to him, looking nervous. "Master...?"

"What is it, Legato?"

"I believe we might have a slight problem..."

"What is it this time?"

"If you would look over to the corner booth..." The psychic helpfully pointed it out. It took Knives roughly two and a third seconds to decide not to intervene. He hated Naraku with a passion, and Sessho-maru was just an arrogant ass. In his opinion, they deserved what they were about to get.

"Go away, you little brat," the dog-demon growled threateningly. "There is only one human child that I will tolerate, and you are not it."

"Give me the fluffy!" the Beast demanded.

"The what?"

"The fluffy," Zazie repeated, pointing at Sessho-maru's tail. "Give it to me!"

Sessho-maru's demon markings flared briefly. "First of all, you insolent little human, this is my tail. Hence, it is attached to my body. I could not give it to you even if I wanted to. Secondly, even if I could remove it, you would not get it. Ever. Now go away before I eat you."

"Fluffy!" Zazie shrieked, seizing the tail. He then bit into it, with some force.

"AAAAARGH!" Snarling and howling in pain, Sesshy lashed his long, cotton candy-like tail and beat wildly with his one good fist. After a good thirty seconds of this, he finally managed to dislodge Zazie, who went flying across the room and hit the drink dispensers. The tail now resembled cotton candy with several large bites taken out of it.

"Zazie, spit that out," Dominique sighed, trying to pry a large clump of white fur out of his mouth. "You don't know where it's been."

"Millions!" Sessho-maru howled. "Your minion has ruined my tail! I hold you personally responsible for this!"

Knives took the opportunity to practice looking down his nose at someone. "Oh, really."

"Shut up, Sessho-maru." Everyone turned to look at Naraku, who didn't look the least bit concerned over what had happened to his dining companion. "You should have simply killed the child the first time he bothered you. It's you own fault."

"Monkey!" Zazie screamed, snatching at the baboon-skin robe.

"Hey, drop that!" the panicked demon yelled, but too late. The little blonde cowpoke latched on to the robe and pulled it off Naraku. He then rapidly retreated across the room with his prize, leaving Naraku red as a beet and trying in vain to cover up his chibi Kikyo patterned boxers.

This, predictably, sent everyone into hysterics.

Wolfwood's first laugh sucked a piece of lettuce down his throat where it then lodged, forcing Vash, who was also laughing crazily, to pound him on the back until it came loose. Sessho-maru howled with mirth and beat on the table with his fist. He was so delighted that Naraku had gotten his just desserts that he didn't even notice his tail frizzing wildly from all the commotion.

"I see London, I see France!" Rin giggled, pointing at the unfortunate demon. Kanna simply held her mirror, looking bemused, while Dominique looked bored and Kagura laughed covertly behind her fan. Jaken took the opportunity to finish his nachos uninterrupted.

Knives, Legato, and Rai Dei could only lean on each other, laughing helplessly as Zazie rolled across the floor wrapped in the fur. Naraku was running after, trying to reclaim his robe while still covering his underwear, and not succeeding. He kept trying, though, screaming death treats all the while.

In the middle of this fantastic scene, Midvalley made an interesting discovery, one that would end that particular visit to Taco Bell. Kagura's bust bounced when she laughed. Without thinking, he reached over the back of his seat, wrapped his arms around her, and gave them a squeeze. "Bouncy!" This led directly to Kagura trying to stab the Hornfreak to death with the pointy end of her giant feather, and darn near succeeding.

It was then that Knives decided they should go. It really was the most marvelous entertainment, but he did after all have a convention to get to. He didn't really fancy being late due to asphyxiation brought on by laughing like a deranged hyena. Ordering Legato to get everyone and their lunches back to the van, he pulled the baboon robe off the Beast and threw it at Naraku. "Here, monkey. Next time follow your own advice and just kill the little brat. You have my permission. Ciao!" With that, the laughing plant waltzed out the door, ignoring the insane ranting of the offended demon. The convention was off to a good start.

**O.O.O.O.O**

Thirty minutes later...

"Damn it all!" Knives screamed in frustration. "There must be a line of cars just backed up right across the face of this godforsaken planet!" He leaned on the horn with all his might, wishing nothing but that the line of vehicles in front of him would suddenly vaporize into tiny bits. For a moment he considered making Vash do just that, via his angel arm, but quickly shrugged it off. Vash was sleeping peacefully in the back seat, drooling on the oblivious priest's shoulder, and Knives didn't really feel like waking him up over so petty a concern.

"It'll be alright, Master," Legato yawned. "It will pass." The psychic was reclining in the passenger's seat, slurping the last of his soda from Taco bell with both bare feet propped on the dashboard. Can you imagine Legato with bare feet? Sort'a kawaii, isn't it? Truth be told, Legato was enjoying the break from all things evil and didn't mind in the least that they might be stuck in traffic for hours. He had plenty of cinnamon twisties to get him through.

"No! It will never pass!" Knives leaned out of his window to see if he could discover the source of the block. "They're just going to sit here in a freaking line like the freaking idiots they are until we all rot!"

"It could be worse, Master. At least Zazie is behaving himself."

"Yes," Knives muttered darkly, glancing suspiciously into the rearview mirror. The one in question was seated between an unconcerned Rai Dei and Dominique, who was bored out of her mind and wishing for the largest shopping mall on Gunsmoke to appear beside the van. The Beast seemed to be reading a road atlas and, for a moment, Knives actually thought he might have mercifully reverted to his innocent child mode. However, as the plant watched, a hugely smug and satisfied smile spread across the child's face, and he began to giggle.

"Zazie?" Knives glared suspiciously back at him. "What are you–OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT SMELL?!"

The Beast began to laugh hysterically (with a slightly demonic edge) as everyone was made abruptly aware of what he had done. "I told you we should get KFC, but you didn't listen!" he cackled. "You chose to ignore my warning, and now it's too late! I've had four burrito supremes and I've got plenty more where that came from!"

"Eeeeww!" Dominique squealed, clapping her hands over her nose and mouth. "You did that on purpose!"

"I think that's fairly obvious," Rai Dei coughed, mashing himself against the door in a futile attempt to stay as far from the flatulent Beast as he could. "Zazie, that is _so_ immature..."

"Please let me kill him, Master," Legato pleaded, hanging his head out his open window. "Please! It will be easy! When's the last time I asked you for something?"

"Request denied, Legato!" Knives dug into the glove compartment, searching for his gun. If anyone was going to waste the little monster, it would be him. He'd buy Legato a hotdog later to make up for it.

In the back, Dominique dug into her purse and pulled forth an aerosol can of perfume. "Must–cover up–the smell!"

"Dominique, no!" Wolfwood yelled, covering his face, but she paid no attention. In moments the air was ever less breathable than it had been before. In this respect, Midvalley was the luckiest out of all of them; as he was a sax player and had the good lungs that went with the occupation, he could hold his breath the longest.

"Oh, just roll down the windows, already!" Knives snarled between coughs. The hard truth was, however, that rolling down the windows wouldn't help, and Knives knew it. The van hadn't moved in nearly ten minutes, thus, there was no breeze to dissipate the smell.

"I–need–air!" Wolfwood suddenly lunged across Vash's sleeping form to shove his head and shoulders out the window, jamming a knee into the blonde gunman's groin as he did so. The priest's gasping breaths were abruptly drowned out by Vash's remarkably high-pitched scream.

"Dear lord, what are they doing back there?" Legato peeked rather cautiously over the back of his seat to see what all the commotion was about.

"Wolfwood's kicking me!" Midvalley yelled, kicking back. They both ignored Vash, who was still screaming in pain as the priest rested his whole body weight on the knee in order to kick backwards at the Hornfrek.

"Chapel, what are you doing to my brother?" Knives yelled, eyes watering from the perfume.

"Nothing!"

Vash continued to scream, unable to form complete words.

"Just get off him!" Midvalley managed to grab Wolfwood by the legs and pull him bodily back into the van.

"No! Let me out of here! That smell is rancid, I swear to God!"

"Wolfwood, what were you trying to do to me?" Vash wailed, tears streaming down his face, knees together and hands clasped between his legs. "I was dreaming...about this huge donut factory...and then there was...this horrible pain...!"

"Oh, get over it," Wolfwood muttered, trying not to gag from the combined smell of Zazie and the perfume. He wasn't having an easy time of it, as he was a chain smoker and didn't have very good lungs to begin with.

"Don't be such a grouch," Vash pouted, carefully easing his legs apart. "The smell's going away."

"And just to make sure it stays that way," Knives growled, "Zazie will be sitting with me for the rest of the trip. Move to the back, Legato."

The blue-haired man blinked at the plant in disbelief. "But, Master...why?"

"So I can keep an eye on the brat. And if he tries a stunt like that again he's going to be rudely introduced to some concrete highway as soon as we get back up to cruising speed!"

Zazie gulped, knowing full well what his master was capable of when he was angry. "Uh, go on, Legato," he said, poking the psychic in the head. "He wants me in front. Move."

"No! It's my seat! I was here first!"

Knives took a deep, calming breath and immediately began to cough. "Why exactly do you want that damn seat so much?"

"I can see out better from here, I can change the radio stations as much as I want from here, and I don't have to share my snacks with the morons in back from here!" He was also fiercely loyal to his master and didn't like to be far from him for very long, but we won't go into that...

Knives was not amused by his minion's disobedience. "Legato, you will get out of that seat right now or so help me I will shove each and every one of those cinnamon twists up your ass one at a time and sideways!"

Legato whimpered.

"Oh, don't do_ that_, Master Knives," Zazie snickered evilly. "He'd like his punishment _way_ too much!"

As Legato launched himself over the back of his seat at the Beast with a blood-curdling scream of fury, Knives curled into the fetal position behind the wheel and began to rock back and forth. And the traffic stretched on...

**O.O.O.O.O**

Two hours later...

Vash was humming to himself. "A hundred seventy three bottles of beer on the wall, a hundred seventy three bottles of beer...take one down, pass it around, a hundred seventy two bottles of beer on the–"

"VASH!" Knives yelled in frustration. "Would you _please_ stop singing so I can concentrate? I can _not_ miss this exit, here!"

"And then there's also the fact that you couldn't carry a tune in a tomas trailer," Wolfwood muttered.

Vash didn't care. "Aw, come on, Knives. You won't miss your exit. And it's _soooo_ boring! I need something to do before I die!"

"Please don't be so melodramatic." But Knives did consider his brother's request. "I suppose we could turn on the radio, or something."

"Woo-hoo!" Vash yelled, throwing his arms in the air and nearly slugging Wolfwood in the process. "Put it on country, put it on country!"

"No, Brittany Spears!" Dominique squealed, waving the cd case.

"Cowboy songs!" Zazie protested, holding up his children's cassette.

"No, jazz!"

"Blues!"

"Rock'n'roll!"

Knives sighed, releasing the wheel with one hand to massage his pounding temples. "Legato, you know what to do."

"Yes, Master." Although still pouting somewhat over losing his position in the front seat, the psychic used his telekinetic powers to shoot his master's favorite disk into the CD player. Zazie growled malevolently and began to nibble the corner of his cassette case. It wasn't like he hated the Master's classical music and birdsongs, but it did tend to put the child to sleep, and he couldn't very well have any fun terrorizing his colleagues if he was sawing logs.

"Ah, that's _so_ much better." An instantaneous change seemed to come over Knives as soon as the CD began to play. As the soft notes began to fill the air, his tight frown melted away to become something very like a smile. He began to lightly tap one foot in time with the music. Noticing all this, Legato made his own version of Vash's kawaii face. It made him happy when his master was happy.

In the back, Vash let out a rather loud yawn and leaned himself against Wolfwood's shoulder. The priest, also yawning a bit, turned said shoulder slightly so he and Vash could rest back to back. "G'night, Tongari."

"Night, Nick."

Dominique sighed happily, pulling what was left of her hat down over her good eye, more than ready for a little nap herself. Being trapped in close confines with a mentally unbalanced child and six stupid men for hours upon hours could really wear on a lady.

Rai Dei, glancing quickly around to make sure no one was watching him, pulled his most precious possession from his travel bag: a Kenshin Himura plushie. Clutching the stuffed doll close, the samurai curled up in his seat, content to sleep the rest of the trip away.

And so, all the Gung-Ho Guns settled down to rest–all except Midvalley. He had become slowly restless since the music began, though he didn't quite know why. Now, however, the background noise of the trickling stream in the CD had suddenly become awfully loud... He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. _Aw, man...I knew I should have gone at Taco Bell._

For a full twenty minutes the Hornfreak was able to deal silently with the growing problem, but he was finally forced to speak up as the van went over several large bumps in the road and made the discomfort all too noticeable. "Uh, hey, Knives...?"

"What?"

"Uh, what are the chances that we could stop for just a few minutes?"

"Why do you need to stop? We just stopped a couple of hours ago."

"Well, uh, I sorta need a little potty break."

The plant groaned. "Oh, Midvalley! Can't it wait? We're only fifteen minutes away!"

Midvalley gulped bravely. "Well, if we're _that_ close...I guess I can try to hold it..."

"Good! Just sit still and think of pleasant things, like the annihilation of the spiders."

"Okay...but Master, do you think you could turn off the trickling water noises now?"

"Oh, I suppose."

Knives turned off the stereo and Midvalley tried desperately to think of dry things. He was doing a pretty good job of it too, until the van swerved across the highway without warning and tossed the Hornfreak into the laps of the sleeping priest and Humaniod Typhoon. "Ermph..." he whimpered pitifully, holding his hands tightly between his legs.

"HOLY SHIT!" Knives screamed, flipping someone off out the window. "You crazy bastard, don't you even know how to attach a camper to your pathetic excuse for a truck properly? We could have been killed! You just shot yourself straight to the top of my spider purge list, asshole!"

"Uh, brother...?" Vash interrupted. "Midi looks sort of funny..."

"I'll say." Wolfwood looked on, slightly amused, as the sax player attempted to do the time-honored potty dance in the seat next to him.

"Keep your pants on! I'm already exceeding the speed limit!"

"Hey, Hornfreak," Dominique sniggered from under her hat, "just pinch the tip. You'll be fine."

"Pinch the tip," Midvalley snarled, unable to hit her due to his hands current higher calling between his legs. "I'll show you pinch the tip, you evil little bi–oh GOD it hurts!"

Five minutes later, the van pulled into the convention grounds, stopping just under the giant black banner adorned with the skull and crossbones that welcomed villains of all make and manner to the event. Midvalley shot out of the van and disappeared into the crowd, desperately searching for a bathroom, port-a-potty, tree, fire hydrant, or anything at all, really. He didn't much care by that point.

Knives stepped out and sighed, stretching his legs. Now the real fun could begin. "Well, here we are. Everyone grab your bags and follow me. Dominique, put the leash on Zazie, would you? When we get to the hotel, just let me do all the talking. I'll register while you find our rooms. And Vash, I want you to _lay low_ for once, alright? You're not even supposed to be at this con at all."

"You got it, bro! Mr. Low Profile, that's me!" Vash attempted to throw a smart, military-style salute and managed to knock one of the poles holding the banner in place. As it collapsed on top of Knives, the van, and their luggage, Kagura slipped off into the crowd, unnoticed.

Making her through the masses to the Feudal Era Villains booth, the wind witch pulled back the curtain and stuck her head inside. "Master Naraku? They have arrived."

Said demon quickly dropped the poster of a certain frigid bee-yotch of a priestess he had been making the kissy face at and rubbed his hands together delightedly. "Ah, perfect! And now, Millions Knives, I shall have my revenge!"

As Naraku laughed his insanely evil laugh, Sessho-maru stood in the background, shaking his head sadly. "Come, Rin," he said, taking the little girl by the hand. "Let's go sign in. Maybe we can get you your own con badge." As the little girl enthusiastically pulled him away from the booth, the dog-demon took one last look back. Naraku was hiding under the table, explaining his brilliant plan of revenge to his Kikyo action figure. Sessho-maru had a bad feeling about this...

**O.O.O.O.O**

To Be Continued


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** Hi again, everyone! Thanks to all of you who reviewed, I put forth some effort and wrote the second chapter! Yay! Sorry it took so long, though. This was because I was actually writing the chapter as I typed, not just typing from something I had written beforehand. I sincerely hope you enjoy.

**Disclaimer: **All the characters written about in this fic are the property of someone else. It always makes me sad to type that. The main characters, the Trigun cast and the InuYasha crew, belong to Yasuhiro Nightow-san and Rumiko Takahashi-san, respectively.

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"Which rooms are ours, bro?"

Knives sighed, looking around for the sign that would direct them to the elevator. The attendant at the front desk had been far too swamped with other con attendants to do anything more than pitch the keys at him and hysterically bawl something about following the signs. "They're on the third floor. Now shut up and follow me."

Vash nervously backed away from his irate sibling as Knives stalked out of the lobby and down a random hotel hallway. "Wolfwood, do you think he's still mad at me?"

"Tongari, let's be honest. You dropped the con banner on him and nearly knocked him senseless with the pole it was attached to." The priest took a drag on his cigarette, disregarding the prominent 'No Smoking' sign. "He's pissed."

"Oh. Um, I'll just be staying behind you, then."

Shrugging, Wolfwood followed after the rest of the company as they followed their fearless leader in search of the elevator. Fortunately for Vash, who was again fighting the urge to ask if they were there yet, an elevator was close at hand. Between them, he and Rai Dei were able to smash Zazie into the corner farthest from the control panel, so to keep the little demon-child from punching any unwanted buttons.

Once they reached the third floor, it was a simple matter to find the allotted rooms. Knives stopped at the door of room 333 and turned to face his minions. "Alright. Allow me to lay it on the line for you. As of now this room belongs to me. That means that none of you are allowed inside without my permission, not for _any_ reason. Trespassers face the penalty of slow torture followed by eventual death at my discretion, with the one exception of Legato, who will be rooming with me. Any questions?"

Legato raised a hand. "You're not joking, Master? I'm really allowed inside and you won't break my spine in half for it?"

"Uh, yes, Legato." Knives took a moment to be scared by the happy look on his favorite minion's face before turning back to the rest of the assembly. "Split off into the next three rooms however you choose. Just remember that these rooms are to be whole and intact when we leave this con or it comes out of your salary!"

"I'm with Nicky!" Vash immediately squealed, latching onto the sleeve of the priest's black jacket. Wolfwood sighed deeply. "This is gonna be great, Nick! Three day sleep-over, alright!"

The priest sighed again. "Yeah, whatever."

Dominique hoisted her purse and matched purple luggage and without further ado made her claim on the room closest to her. Zazie trotted after from lack of anything else to do at the moment. Rai Dei considered for a moment before choosing the room farthest down the hall. This left Vash and a reluctant Wolfwood to the room next to Knives and Legato.

"Hi, bro!" Vash grinned hugely as he pulled open the door that joined the two rooms and stuck his spiky blonde head inside. "Wow, cool, we can see each other without even having to go out in the hall!"

"Will you calm down?" Knives snapped, aiming a kick at the door. "Just stay over on your own side. There's a reason I didn't want to share a room with you, you know."

"Fine, be that way." Vash pouted and the door snapped closed. Knives thought for a moment before sliding the dresser in front of it. Three seconds later Vash tried to reopen the door only to be rudely denied entrance. "Aw, Knives!"

The older blonde turned triumphantly back into the room, only to see Legato, hamster-like, stuffing his cheeks with an expensive sandwich from the mini-fridge in the corner. He decided then and there that Legato was going to be paying for his own food for the rest of their stay. There was no way his budget could afford to support his minion's formidable appetite for three more days. Legato gulped guiltily, wiping crumbs off his mouth.

"Go ahead and enjoy your snacks, you blue-haired glutton; it's your own money you're inhaling."

"Understood, Master. So, what are we going to do first?"

Knives thought it over. Part of him wanted nothing more than to collapse face-down on one of the room's two double beds and start fresh the next morning. Mostly, though, he wanted to go out into the thick of the convention and spread the story of Naraku's embarrassment at Taco Bell to everyone he knew and then some. That thought settled that.

"Get your coat, Legato. We're going for a walk."

"Yes, Master."

"Going somewhere, bro?" Vash asked, miraculously materializing in the hall. "Where you going? Is there food? Can I come with you?"

Knives sighed, running a hand over his face. "You never slow down, do you? Alright, you can come. But I want you to keep in mind the fact that you are a lone hero at a villains' convention. That makes you the lowest of the low. The bottom of the bottom of the food chain. You're lower than Team Rocket, Vash."

"Wha? But that's not fair! What about Wolfwood? Isn't he a good guy, too?"

"No, Chapel is what we like to call a middleman. Big difference there. Just watch your step around here, alright? There are plenty of not-so-nice people here today who would love to get a piece of you. If you're going to go wandering around at any time you might want to take Chapel with you."

Seeing that his brother was probably right, Vash dropped the argument and darted back into his room to bribe said priest to go on a walk with them. Wolfwood wasn't too thrilled over the idea but agreed anyway, just to stay firmly on his boss's good side.

**O.O.O.O.O**

As the four of them made their way slowly through the hotel to the heart of the con, it became clear to Knives just how stupid a mistake he'd made in allowing Vash to come along. The blonde gunman danced around the group displaying a certain childlike excitement usually pertaining to five-year-olds. He pointed, gawked, and exclaimed loudly over everything that caught his attention, alternately haring off from the group and dashing back again like a giant puppy out for walkies.

"I would suggest we pretend not to know him, but that would be kind of dumb, huh? I mean, you're twins, right? Ha ha!" Wolfwood would never know how close to a smiting he came at that moment. Only their timely arrival at the Trigun booth saved him from Knives, who was seconds away from drilling the moronic clergyman in the head.

Dominique was already out on the front lines. She had prepared the booth single-handed and was now running it flawlessly, explaining the principles of psychological torture to a young group of wide eyed villain wanna-be's. Zazie was also there and dressed in his special con outfit, the trick-or-treat costume of a grossly overgrown spider he had stolen from a costume shop. Stationed in front of the booth, he was handing out anti-human pamphlets.

"Hello, Dominique," Legato drawled, approaching the booth. The wanna-be's, looking back to see who had spoken, shrieked and scattered at the sight of Legato's golden eyes and intimidating shoulder spikes and skull. It also helped that he could actually perform the complex kinds of mental torture Dominique had been talking about. Knives smiled widely at their reaction and tripped one of them, causing more screaming and panic as the young trainees fled (not without reason) for their lives.

Dominique sighed, somewhat annoyed that her audience had been scared away, but she knew better than to say anything. "Welcome, Master. I hope everything is to your liking."

Knives nodded approvingly as Legato helped himself to the skull-shaped suckers that had been set out in a bowl for the booth visitors. "Yes, good work, Cyclops. It appears you have everything under control. Everything looks set up according to plan. So, what does our schedule look like?"

"Well." Dominique picked up her clipboard, trying to ignore Vash playing with the Plant replica on the table. "Today is mostly just a walk, look, and mingle day, though someone is supposed to be in attendance at the booth at all times. Tomorrow morning we have an autograph session, if anyone works up the courage to approach the booth. Tomorrow evening is the formal dinner where the meeting of the UAVU will be held. Your attendance is mandatory, Master."

Knives groaned but didn't complain. Meetings of the United Anime Villains Union were only held twice a year, so he was pretty much obliged to show up and pretend to pay attention. He could handle two hours of prattle if he had to.

"Thursday," Dominique continued, "is demonstration and awards day. I hear we're good candidates for the 'Most Eccentric' slot."

Before Knives could comment there was a crash as the model Plant fell off the table. "Oops!" Vash sweat-dropped, rubbing the back of his spiky blonde head. "Sorry."

Suddenly a vice rang out, causing most of the people in the immediate vicinity to turn and stare at Vash. "A hero! An illicit hero at the Villains Convention! Throw him out!" Knives swore at the voice, which could only belong to Kagura. He couldn't see the Wind Witch, but he would bet his angel arms she was hovering up near the rafters on Naraku's orders.

"Aw, man! What should I do, Knives?" Vash was looking all around in little panicky jerks as more and more people began to take notice of him. As you can well imagine, a hero at a villains' con was a big deal, and not in a good way. However, before Knives could speak Wolfwood had taken action, seizing the Humanoid typhoon by the back of his oversized coat collar and tossing him under the booth table.

Knives breathed a sigh of relief as the table covering hid his twin from view. Moments later, crisis averted, he turned to face the staring crowd with an evil glare in place. "What are you all looking at? Get lost!" The starers screamed again and ran, leaving behind a dust cloud and two familiar figures carrying buckets. "And where the Hell have you been, Blade and Hornfreak?"

"I found the bathrooms," Midvalley beamed, placing his burdens on the table. "Here's the black paint you wanted, Dom."

"Thank you, Midvalley. The model guns I brought for Thursday's demo need touching up badly." Dominique reached for the paint but stopped as the table rattled.

"Can I come out now?"

Midvalley and Rai Dei swapped confused glances as Wolfwood, puffing yet another cigarette, pulled back the tablecloth to reveal the very cramped Stampede. "I don't think that's a good idea, Tongari. You're so tall and so, well, _red,_ you're like a walking neon sign. You might as well go out and start introducing yourself to random evil doers."

"Wait." Everyone paused and looked at Knives expectantly. The plant slowly looked from the paint buckets, to his twin, and back again. "I have an idea."

**O.O.O.O.O**

Ten minutes later Knives, Wolfwood, and a loudly protesting Vash appeared from the men's room. "Lady and gentlemen," Knives happily addressed his minions, "I am pleased to present to you...Dark Vash!"

"My coat," Vash whimpered desolately, fingering the fabric still sticky with black paint. "And...my hair! My beautiful, beautiful hair!"

"Don't touch it, it's still tacky," Wolfwood scolded, smacking the errant hands away. He had dug into Cross Punisher's dark and unpredictable depths and discovered a bottle of liquid paper, which he had used to turn Vash's formerly blonde spikes a blinding white while Knives took care of the flaming red trench coat in nearby sink.

"What an ingenious idea, Master," Legato marveled, giving the hair a curious poke. A single drop of liquid paper rolled to the end of one spike, hung a moment, and fell to splatter on the toe of Vash's boot. Vash whimpered. "Now all we have to do is get him a pair of red colored contacts. No one will suspect a thing."

"But I don't wear contacts!"

Completely ignoring his brother, Knives turned to the rest of the group. "Let's move along. I want one volunteer to stay here and watch the booth, another to go find out where that son of a demon Naraku is hiding his booth, and the rest of you, come with me. I want...to go swimming."

Rai Dei immediately raised a hand. "I'll stay with the booth." Knives nodded his approval, unaware that the samurai was volunteering strictly as a way to get away from the rest of them for a while.

"Excellent. Zazie, I want you to go scout out Naraku. You're the smallest, so you have less chance of being seen spying on them. Report to us at the pool area with your findings. And take off that damn outfit!"

**O.O.O.O.O**

"Cannonball!" Getting a running start, Midvalley launched himself into the hotel pool. The resulting splash soaked all and sundry, except for Legato who could use his psychic powers to shield himself. Dominique spared a glare for the sporting musician, wondering if it would be worth it to pour her ice-cold wine cooler down his saxophone-patterned swim trunks.

"Come on, Tongari, in you go."

"Nicky, no! The water's freezing! Stop it!" Shrieking and laughing, fighting only halfheartedly, Vash was unceremoniously hoisted over Wolfwood's shoulder and carried toward the pool. As the threat became imminent he began to struggle harder, finally toppling both himself and the priest into the water.

"Great, Vash, just great, you got us both wet!"

"No I didn't, you started it!"

Legato looked up from spreading his giant hotdog shaped beach towel on a pool chair as a loud and enthusiastic splashing fight broke out. "Well, at least some of us are taking the opportunity to enjoy the vacation."

"Uh-huh." Dominique was also staring avidly at the combatants. Wolfwood attempted to put his friend in a headlock and was dunked under after a brief wrestling match. He then retaliated by grabbing Vash around the waist and lifting him clean out of the pool, only to body-slam him back into the water moments later. Both men were laughing insanely, causing Dominique to wonder how they avoided breathing the water they were so happily thrashing in. There was now not a doubt in her mind. "They have got to be gay."

"What was that?"

"Eep! Nothing, Master!"

"My brother is not gay! He's not! He's just...very affectionate!"

"Um, yes Master! I'll never mention it again!"

"See that you do not. Chapel, you are not to drown him, do you hear me?" Knives, flustered and distracted all at once, didn't notice that Zazie had returned until the little boy had stolen his martini. "Hey, put that down! You're a minor! And what the Hell are you wearing!"

Zazie stared at him like he was stupid. "It's a mole costume. Get it? I'm a mole and I'm wearing a mole costume?"

"I get it, alright! I want you to forget everything bad I ever said to put down your poncho and go back to wearing it! All these stupid costumes are driving me crazy! So, did you find where Naraku is hiding? Hey, are you even listening to me?"

Zazie wasn't. Gulping down the stolen martini he ran for the pool, still in his mole costume. Luckily, the outfit proved buoyant.

"Lord Sessho-maru, what is that?"

"Hmm. It appears to be a rodent of unnatural size bobbing about in the pool." The dog-demon kept a firm grip on Rin's hand as he stared at the spectacle before them. He knew that the little girl was eager to try out her new bathing suit, but the chances of him letting her near a swimming pool full of giddy Gung-Ho Guns were next to nil. "Come on, Rin. Let's go to the kids' pool instead."

"Okay!"

Knives felt like slamming his head on the brick wall that surrounded the swimming area. The maturity level of his band of killers was deteriorating at an alarming rate. And he _still_ didn't know where Naraku was hiding. Making up his mind, the plant abandoned his plastic chair and headed purposefully toward the kiddy pool.

"Watch me, Lord Sessho-maru!" Rin gulped a deep breath and swam underwater like a frog from one end of the children's pool to the other. The great Lord of the Western Lands allowed the barest trace of a smile to grace his lips, just before a shadow blocked out the fading light he'd been using to sun his "furry."

"What are you up to, Millions?"

"Oh, nothing, really." Knives pulled up another chair uninvited and sat down next to the glowering demon. "Same as you, I suppose."

"Go away."

Pretending not to hear the growled command, the blonde shielded his eyes from the glare of the setting sun reflecting across the water, turning the surface of the pool a brilliant gold. "She's a real cutie-pie, isn't she?" Knives nodded absently at Rin, who was trying with great concentration to climb onto an inflatable raft.

Sessho-maru was instantly on guard. "Why?"

"Just stating the obvious. You're keeping a good eye on her, I hope?"

"Is that a threat?" The demon's tail began to frizz, a bad sign for everyone within about fifty miles of the hotel.

"Not at all. It's just...between you and me..." Knives leaned closer, and despite himself so did Sessho-maru. "I hear Naraku's still a bit pissy over the Taco Bell thing. Word is he's planning to avenge his pride by picking a few of us off. He's going to start with Zazie, for obvious reasons, and..." He pointed wordlessly toward the pool and the little girl still happily cavorting therein. "I guess he wasn't too happy with the 'I see London, I see France' thing."

There was silence for a moment. Rin wobbled on top of her raft and fell off backwards, laughing as she splashed up a shower of golden water droplets. Sessho-maru's eyes turned a charming shade of blood red. "He would not dare."

"Whatever you say, my friend." Stretching hard, Knives got to his feet and prepared to rejoin his minions. "Still..." he put a hand on the dog-demon's shoulder, "stay alert, huh, Lassie? I'd _hate_ to see anything happen to a cutie like that..." With that the plant walked away. He loved lying through his teeth. It was almost better than flossing.

"Millions."

Without turning around, Knives smiled a feline smile. "Yes?"

"Naraku is hiding the Feudal Villains' booth under a shield next to the water fountains and soda machine. I won't say a word."

"Excellent. Give this to our favorite demon mutt, will you?" Tossing a folded note to Sessho-maru, Knives went back to his outlaw band, well satisfied. Never send a human brat in a mole costume to do a plant's job.

**O.O.O.O.O**

The demon watched him go with mixed feelings. Of course he knew Millions was probably making the whole thing up, but there was no use taking chances where his little Rin-Rin was concerned. Besides, even if it all was a lie, it would be amusing to watch Millions battle it out with Naraku.

"What does it say, Lord Sessho-maru?" Rin swam up to the side to stare curiously at the note in her lord's hand.

The dog-demon flipped the paper open. "Naraku sucks toes for three dollars––and likes it. Signed, Millions Knives." Yes, this would definitely be entertaining.

**O.O.O.O.O**

To be continued...

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**(2****nd****) Author's Note:** Thanks for reading, everyone! I apologize for the shortness of this segment, but certain... tortures... such as advanced chemistry are doing their best to break me, body, mind, and soul. I'll try real hard to get the next chapter up faster and make it longer. And hey, if you have a favorite villain you'd like to make an appearance at the Villains' Con, let me know and they might show up (wink, wink).


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** Okay, we're back again and ready to deliver chapter three! Again, I want to thank those of you who take time out of your busy day to review my humble work. And I'd also like to thank those of you who don't review, but enjoy them anyway. The happy vibes you give off are reflected by the number of hits under every chapter. (Big, cheesy grin.)

**Disclaimer:** As you know, the Trigun guys (and one gal) belong to Yasuhiro Nightow-san, and the InuYasha villains owe their being to Ruminko Takahashi-san.

And, introducing, based on the request of The Desperado, that sinfully lovely lady, Lust of FullMetal Alchemist! She belongs to Hiromu Arakawa-san, and I am delighted to have her appear in this fic. To The Desperado, I tip my cowboy hat to you. It was my pleasure, pardner. Also introducing, as per the request of Shale 101, the cruel, the cunning, the conniving, Envy! He also comes to visit from FullMetal Alchemist. To Shale, with a court bow, I hope it meets your expectations.

And all other villains that may be mentioned, also belong to someone else. I just don't have the time to go look up writers, artists, producers, etc. for everyone. My apologies. I do hope you all (i.e., anyone who could sue me for violation of copyright laws) understand.

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"Ooh, that jerk makes me so _angry!_"

A clear, bright morning was dawning over the So, You're So Evil You Could Swap Notes With Satan? Villains' Convention. However, Dominique the Cyclops was too mad to enjoy it. Her hands were slowly clenching themselves into fists of rage around the old Cosmopolitan magazine she had been trying to read. "I swear, Knives couldn't do a damn thing for himself if his life depended on it!"

Kagura nodded her head sympathetically, looking up from her copy of Vogue. "I understand. Naraku is the same, believe me. Every time he thinks he might be in danger from that InuYasha half-breed, up goes the shield and out I go to defend him. I've almost gotten used to it. But that doesn't stop me from dreaming of the day I say my farewells to his broken corpse and go my own way." A blissful smile spread across the Wind Witch's face, which was still covered in the green mud used in expensive beauty treatments.

"So, what did tall, blonde and devious do now?" Lust asked, absently sipping her morning coffee. It was, in her opinion, still far too early to be at the salon, but the purple-haired woman had made it clear that if they didn't hit the spa early she wouldn't be able to go at all.

A vein popped in Dominique's forehead. "Oh, he just said that if I wasn't at the booth by nine he'd retract the bonus I get for coming to this stupid con in the first place! Yeah, I'll be at the freaking booth, and glorious Master Knives will be face down in his own drool, sleepin' away! Midvalley will be just now crawling back to his room from an all-nighter at the bar, Legato will be stuffing his face at the breakfast buffet, and Rai Dei will most likely be hiding in his closet being the antisocial S.O.B. he is! Aaah, it's maddening!"

"Why don't you kill him?" Lust supplied helpfully, taking another graceful sip of coffee. "That's what I do when someone annoys me."

Dominique sighed. "Unfortunately, dead plants don't sign paychecks."

"Your pedicure is done, dear," the cheerful woman at her feet smiled. "Careful, they're still a bit tacky. My, but you have such graceful feet! And the periwinkle polish goes marvelously with your unique hair color."

"Really, you think so?" Dominique blushed and smiled cutely.

"Oh, absolutely!" Lust and Kagura agreed wholeheartedly.

Dominique stood up and made a few poses with her feet, turning them this way and that. "I love it. What's the charge?"

"A hundred and fifty three eighty, dear."

Dominique blanched, but then an evil smirk crossed her face. "Excellent. Put it on my boss's tab."

Giggling evilly, the three women were about to crack into a box of celebratory low-calorie éclairs when a familiar voice was heard. "Um, excuse me? Dominique?" Vash hesitated in the doorway, unwilling to venture farther into the incredibly pink and feminine domain that was the ladies' spa.

"Kiss the quiet goodbye, girls," Dominique sighed, giving in to the inevitable. "What is it, Vash?"

"Uh, sorry to interrupt, but Knives sent me down to...to...to..."

"To what?" Dominique asked impatiently. "Spit it out!"

Vash wasn't listening. He had suddenly caught sight of Lust. The beautiful Homunculus was lounging in her rather provocative black robe, nestled comfortably in a cushy chair as the beautician finished the last coat of blood red paint on her pedicure. Unconcerned, she continued to sip daintily at her coffee and flip through the Vogue copy that Kagura had discarded, apparently taking no notice of the visitor. Vash's mouth fell open and he began to drool.

"Oh for God's sake." Dominique was not amused.

Vash, never one to beat around the bush, suddenly shot into the salon, pink interior decor be damned. Very nearly tripping over his own feet, he scrambled over to Lust's chair and laid his head on the armrest, whimpering faintly as little hearts fluttered around his head. "So... _beautiful_..."

Lust shot a sharp glance at Dominique, who could only shrug. "This is... new. Hey, wait a second." She lowered the Vogue to take a closer look at her admirer. "Nice coat. Say, aren't you Millions' brother? Weren't you wearing black yesterday?"

"Oh, that's only when I'm out in the con," Vash murmured dreamily. "Off times I can wear the coat they didn't ruin. They put Wite Out in my hair, too, but I washed it."

"I see. Yes, red does look better on you." A smile was beginning to creep onto the Homunculus' face, despite her best efforts against it. "Are you sure you're not one of the good guys? No, wait, don't answer that. I'd hate to have to kill off a sweet dog like you." Vash looked like he'd died and gone to heaven as Lust gave his spiky (and correction fluid-free) hair a pat.

"Will you give it a rest, Lust?" They all glanced up as a man with extra long dark hair and a bare waistline waltzed in, sparing not a though for the pink motif of the spa or the scowling spa attendants. "You're needed upstairs. Like, now."

"Envy, what could possibly be so important that you would do such a stupid thing as interrupting my beauty treatments?" Lust flicked out her nail knives, taking the tips off a few of Vash's spikes as she did so. Vash didn't notice.

"Your fat little henchman is up there getting the shit beaten out of him by some guy with blue hair."

"Why? What are they fighting about?"

"Seems fat boy ate the entire tray of muffins in under seven seconds. I guess the other guy wanted one." Envy, through with his story, paid no attention to Lust as she swore and began to pull out her curlers. He idly looked about, seeing what, if anything, was interesting about the spa. His gaze settled on Vash. "So Lust likes you, huh?" he asked, getting up in the plant's face.

Vash managed a weak grin, remembering Knives' warning about not upsetting people when his twin wasn't around to beat them down. "Uh, I sure hope so..."

"Humph. I'm jealous!"

If Vash had known anything about Envy he would have known that making that particular Homunculus jealous was not at all advisable if you wanted to keep on living. But, as they say, ignorance is bliss. "Well, I guess that's understandable. I mean, she is a really pretty lady! I mean, I guess I'd be jealous, too!"

A very annoyed look crossed Envy's face, but surprisingly it passed quickly. "Yeah, well, whatever. I would kill you, under normal circumstances, but since you're a special case I guess I'll let you go."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"I mean you're not going to go after Lust, so..."

"Now I'm really confused!"

Envy was losing patience. "Well you're gay with your brother, aren't you? Gay men generally do not like women, am I correct?"

All three girls gasped. Dominique looked triumphant, Kagura behind her fan looked sick, and Lust just looked disappointed. "You're _gay_? Why didn't you say so before?"

Vash was shell shocked. "What did you say?"

"That's what I heard. So, does this mean that you aren't gay? In that case I'm afraid I shall have to kill you – hey, wait, come back! I have to slaughter you!" Vash had run screaming from the room flailing his arms, determined to find his twin and figure out why a strange man in a belly shirt had accused him of being both gay and incestuous in the same breath. Envy was disappointed. "Well, crap."

Dominique suddenly had a thought. "Envy, who told you this?"

"Eh, a mysterious, enigmatic, and cryptic figure hiding in the shadows and dressed like a baboon. Why?"

Kagura groaned. Dominique heaved a forlorn sigh, knowing that her theory had again been shot down. "Well, it isn't true. If anything, he's with the priest. Sorry, girls, but I have to go. I sense the third world war could commence at any moment. See you later!" With that the Cyclops tightened the sash on her violet robe and ran for it, leaving her slippers behind so as not to endanger her tacky toenails. Behind her she could hear the sounds of an immanent Envy bashing.

"You infested kidney weasel, you chased him away!"

"But Lust, I was jealous!"

"He was a hot, blonde, submissive dog and I was seriously thinking about picking him up, you sorry excuse for a belly dancer! I hate you!"

"Wow, Lust, you sure do have this thing for blondes with auto-mechanical limbs and height extremes, don't you?"

"What did you just say, you skinny little punk?"

"Aw, Lust! No! Please, not the nails!"

**O.O.O.O.O**

Knives was indeed sleeping soundly, and dreaming. In his dream, thousands of tiny spiders with human heads scuttled away screaming from his enormous, booted feet. Laughing insanely, he squashed unknown thousands of them beneath his huge footwear.

"Kniiiiiiives!"

The plant was rudely and abruptly awakened as his twin kicked in the door of the hotel room and ran inside to dive on top of him, blankets and pillows scattering to the winds. "Vash, what the hell–?!"

"Waaah, Knives, it was awful! There was this really hot lady at the spa and I ran in to talk to her and I think she liked me but then this weird guy with his stomach showing came in and said that you and I are gay together and the pretty lady was all upset and it freaked me out and I ran back here to get you and why would anyone think that about us Knives? Knives?"

The older blonde had collapsed face first into his pillow, hoping that he was just having a nightmare. "Go away! I'm not ready for this yet! It's not even past eight! Go away!"

Vash dodged his brother's swinging fist. "But Knives! He said such horrible, horrible things!"

"Then kill him!"

"But that's wrong!"

"Then _I'll _kill him, after I've had some more sleep! Get out of here!"

It was then that Dominique caught up. She leaned heavily on the doorframe, panting for breath (which, as she was still in her robe and nothing else, would have been quite a sight if Vash wasn't so preoccupied at the moment). "Master Knives, you really do need to get up! Legato is making a huge scene in the dining room, and no one else can stop him when he gets like this, you know that!"

Knives was finally forced to admit defeat. With an enormous sigh he shoved his twin off the bed and sat up, not bothering to make sure that his butterfly patterned briefs were covered. "Fine! I will go get La-freaking-gato out of the dining room. _Okay?_"

"Um, yes, okay." Dominique turned uncomfortably away. "But, uh, Master...?" She shook another robe in his general direction, doing her best to avert her eyes. "Put this on first, would you?"

"Whatever." Knives snatched the robe from her and shrugged into it, silently pitying her. _Poor spider-woman must be overwhelmed by my amazingly beautiful physique. _(Little did he realize the long-term psychological damage he and his butterfly panties had just caused.) "While I'm gone I want you to find out about this guy and why he thinks I'm queer. Can you handle that, Cyclops, or have I fried your tiny spider mind?"

"It was Naraku, sir."

"What?"

"It was Naraku who told Envy that you and your brother are... involved. Apparently he is employing the tried and true and oh-so-predictable Naraku method of lying from the shadows to defeat his opponents. I'm not sure what result he thought he was going to get, but... yeah. That's who did it. Can I go back to bed?"

"No. You have to sign autographs. But I do compliment you on your ability to gather information before I even ask for it." Digging into the dresser, Knives pulled out a stack of papers. "Here, take these with you."

"What is this?"

"Pre-signed autographs. Did you actually think I was going to hang around the booth scribbling my signature on whatever a bunch of foul spider-fans shove in front of me?"

Dominique leafed through the stack. "Hmm. 'I hate you.' 'Die.' 'Go to spider-hell.' 'Sincerely, Millions Knives.' Brilliant, Master."

But Knives was already gone, Vash in tow, to visit the dining room, collect his minion, and flush out a certain chunk of demon filth he was coming to hate more and more as the convention went on.

They met Legato halfway to the dining room. He was covered in food from head to toe, and it was immediately obvious that his formerly white coat was beyond repair as far as getting all the stains out went, but he was smiling triumphantly and clutching a blueberry muffin. "Good morning, Master. I trust you slept well?"

"Save it, Legato. Ditch the coat and come with me. I can't have my minions seen looking like they've just returned from a food fight."

"But Master, I have just returned from–"

"Shut up, Legato. ...Is that an Ego stuck to your back?"

With the removal of the waffle and the soiled coat, the three continued on their mission towards the location that Sessho-maru had claimed was the hiding place of the Feudal Villains booth. Knives was beginning to regret not putting the whole escapade off for a while. He was in his underwear under the robe, Vash didn't have his dark disguise, and Legato...well, Legato was attracting a little too much attention. The blue-haired man had begun to garner some very interested looks from the fangirls, now that his encumbering coat had been lost and his rather well built upper body could clearly be seen.

"Legato, can't you do something about them?"

"I'm sorry, Master, but they appear to like me. Would you like me to kill them off?"

Knives almost said yes, before remembering that "Under no circumstances are the convention visitors to be harmed" was number one on the list of rules and conditions that all villains were obliged to signature before they could even sign up for the con. "Damn. No, just...order them to go buy Legato plushies from the booth. That will at least help boost the funds that your appetite has depleted."

"Yes, Master." Legato did as he was told. The mob scampered away, and Rai Dei and Midvalley (who were on autograph duty) would later attest that several hundred squealing girls suddenly and viciously swarmed the booth, making off with every scrap of Legato merchandise they could get their hands on. When all traces of Legato were gone, they purchased all the Trigun baby-doll tees and plush Kuroneko kitties to console themselves. All in all it was a very profitable day.

Meanwhile, Knives and his two shadows were closing in on the beverage dispensers. Crouching behind a large stuffed wolf with an arrow through its head that had been placed next to Darcia's booth, they stared intently at a likely looking empty space between the water fountains and the Mountain Dew machine. Sure enough, after about five minutes, Naraku's protective shield flickered as Kohaku and Rin stepped through.

"Okay, Rin, lord Sessho-maru gave me twenty dollars to get you a souvenir. What would you like?"

Rin thought about it for a moment before clapping her hands delightedly. "I want a stuffed Meowth from the Team Rocket booth! Please, Kohaku?"

"Alright, we'll go there. Come on, I think it's this way." As the brainwashed demon slayer led the little girl away, Knives turned to his brother and minion.

"Alright, men. This is it. We know the enemy's location. It is time to rid ourselves of this annoyance once and for all. Now, who has a plan?"

Vash enthusiastically raised his hand. "Ooh, me! Pick me!"

"Go ahead, Vash."

"Well brother, maybe if you just sort of peacefully walked in and let them laugh at _your_ underwear for a few minutes, then he'd forget all about us laughing at him and call it even! What do you say?"

Knives stared blankly at his twin. "I'd say that was the dumbest thing I've ever heard come out of your mouth. Any other suggestions from someone who isn't stupid? Legato, would you care to run anything past me?"

Legato thought about it as Vash did his best to quietly cope with being called stupid. He finally hit upon a real gem of an idea. "I vote that we do absolutely nothing, Master, and return to the rooms to dress and have a snack."

"Explain your logic, Legato."

"Well, by doing nothing for now we retain the element of surprise that we would undoubtedly lose if we were to go in now without a good plan. If the enemy doesn't know that we know where they are hiding, they will not move their base and we will easily be able to keep track of them in secret. By getting dressed we will raise our self-confidence, and by snacking we boost our energy reserves for the battle, whenever it might arise."

"Now _that _is a good plan. Take notes, Vash." Taking his whimpering brother by the arm, Knives turned and headed for the elevator. "Yes, back to our room, Legato, to concoct a brilliantly evil scheme that will be Naraku's final downfall! Oh, by the way, did you remember to pick up my dry-cleaning?"

"Yes, Master. It's hanging on the back of your door."

**O.O.O.O.O**

As Knives and Legato went one way, Vash went another. Evil plotting didn't really hold that much appeal for him. Meandering down a random hallway, he pulled open a random closet door. Wolfwood tumbled out with a clatter of mops and buckets. "Hey, Nick."

"I was confessing, I swear!"

"Ditching autograph day, huh?"

"Yeah."

"Wanna go find a McDonald's or something? I'm starving and Legato just decimated the dining room."

"You paying?" Vash nodded. "Then by all means, lead the way." Vash did and Wolfwood followed along behind, lighting a cigarette and looking furtively around for anyone who could tattle to his bosses that he wasn't doing his job. "So Legato destroyed the dining room, huh? I wonder where they're gonna hold the dinner now..."

"Is the dinner any good, Nick?" Vash asked hopefully as they entered the lobby, wondering if Knives might be persuaded to take him along if it was.

"No, not really. Expensive, yes, but good? Not really."

Neither one of them noticed a hamster get caught in the revolving door as they left the hotel, which was just as well. That particular hamster was an agent of darkness, the most evil of evil rodents, and it was better off revolving endlessly in the door for the rest of eternity. Nor did the friends take any notice of the rather loud and annoying blonde girl soliloquizing at the gate of the con.

"Oh, Ha-chan (Hyatt), I must find a way to breach this fortress of evil, for to purge all the evil ones who wish to take control of the world! 'Cause if any of these clowns are serious about hostile takeover they're gonna get in Lord Il Palazzo's way big time! But I'm not a villain, Ha-chan, and so I cannot gain entrance! Ah, but then there are those in the uninformed and ignorant masses that, perish the thought, might see me as evil! What should I do, Ha-chan (Hyatt)?"

Vash screamed a very girly scream as the buxom young brunette crumpled at his feet, spouting blood like a loose spigot. "Oh my God, Wolfwood, she's dead! She's DEAD! Oh my God, what should we —"

"We saw nothing, man, nothing! Run!" Seizing his friend by the hand Nicholas took his own advice and ran for it. As the blonde girl drug her companion off into some conveniently located shrubbery (leaving an entirely unnoticeable blood smear behind), the two made for the golden arches across the street, already busy cooking up several different and not altogether believable alibis.

Dominique, hidden in another shrubbery, raised her camera in triumph. "These are going in the case file," she grinned wickedly, snapping a picture of their joined hands. See, I told you Knives' butterfly panties messed her up.

**O.O.O.O.O**

To Be Continued

**o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o**

**(2****nd****) Author's Note:** Same offer still holds; if you have a favorite villain you'd like to see do something stupid (or not so stupid, depending on your tastes) feel free to bring them up. Hope to see you soon in chapter four, at the action-packed, hardcore, and totally _formal_ dinner meeting of the United Anime Villains Union!


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note:** Bwa-ha-ha-ha! Another chapter finally completed! As always, a million thanks to my readers and reviewers. Y'all warm my heart like nothing else can. Sorry this took so long to post, but I am blessed (or cursed) with an exceptionally active imagination that prompts me to work on five, count them, _five_ fics at once... but I digress. On with the chapter!

**Disclaimer:** This fic shall feature villains from Trigun, InuYasha, FullMetal Alchemist, Fruits Basket, Hellsing, Cowboy Bebop, Dragon Ball Z, and Yu-Gi-Oh!... that I know of. Oh, and Mew Mew! More may show up. In fact I'm sure they will. But this particular fic has always been, and always will be, predominantly Trigun. And let me reiterate... I own NOTHING!

**o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o**

Dusk was falling over the So, You're So Evil You Could Swap Notes With Satan? Villains' Convention. It had been many hours since Vash and Wolfwood had escaped to the McDonald's across the street from the manic con, and they had yet to return.

They had spent the day hiding behind large newspapers whenever someone from the con happened to walk into their restaurant sanctuary, and trying to cook up something good to tell the cops if questioned about the mystery brunette's untimely demise. They hoped to stay un-missed and unrecognized until at least dark, then sneak back into the con for the J-pop dance, the single biggest chick-picking-up-ing-est event of the whole maddening trip.

Vash sipped wearily at what had to be his twentieth coke, glancing across the small table at his friend. Wolfwood, surrounded by empty French fry containers, was shaking and quivering slightly. He had rather a buzzed look on his face, which to others might have suggested a drug problem of some sort. To Vash, however, it seemed perfectly normal, as the priest had single-handedly consumed five pots of coffee in the time they had been in hiding. Afterwards, to kill the taste in his mouth, he'd ordered three McFlurries. He had then eaten the fries (and sent his sodium levels skyrocketing in the process) to try to slow the effects of too much caffeine and sugar. As of, yet it hadn't worked.

"Nick, why don't you go get some water or something? You look like a crack addict." And, as you all know, drugs are bad, children!

"Oh no, I'm fine. Really." Wolfwood tried a sincere smile, the effects of which were lost when his teeth began to chatter.

"Come on, Nick, we're going out. You need to walk it off. It's almost dark anyway – hey, pay attention!"

Wolfwood was turned around in his seat, offering a fry to a large black bird that happened to be perched on the shoulder of the occupant of the booth behind them. "Just a second, I wanna see if he'll eat it. Come on little guy, it's good. Have a taste, you'll like it."

Vash blanched. The bird looked downright evil, and he wouldn't trust it not to put out his friend's eye. "Wolfwood, don't! Maybe its owner doesn't want you to –" But the man, a tall guy with shoulder length silver hair, had already turned around and was staring at them. "Oh, uh... sorry, sir. My friend here's just a little wired right now, and I'm sure he didn't mean any harm to your bird or anything..."

"No harm done, I suppose. Wait a moment, aren't you that outlaw with the 60,000,000,000 double dollar bounty on his head?"

"Eek! No! That's so totally not me! I don't have any idea what you're talking about!" Vash got ready to grab Wolfwood and run in the very likely even that this man was a bounty hunter. But his fears seemed unfounded.

"No need to get so upset," the man said. "You may call me Vicious. I am looking for a certain bounty hunter that looks like this." He held up a picture of another man with a mop of shaggy green hair wearing a blue jacket. "This ass skipped the syndicate we were both involved in and conveniently forgot to pay off his bar and restaurant tabs. I picked them up, but he now owes me quite a large sum and refuses to admit it. If the two of you ever cross paths, _call me_. Here's my card."

"Uh, okay." Vash hesitantly accepted the proffered card, but was suddenly more concerned with what Wolfwood was doing. The priest had offered a half empty carton of fries to the bird, and it was enthusiastically gulping them down. "Um, well, I guess we better get back to the con now. Nice to meet you mister!" Grabbing his friend by the back of the coat, Vash pulled him out of the McDonald's, desperately hoping that the silver-haired man wouldn't put two and two together in the event of his bird being suddenly and violently ill on his shoulder.

**O.O.O.O.O**

Back at the hotel, Knives and Legato were preparing. They were preparing, not for battle, but for something infinitely more horrible. They were preparing...to put on ties.

"But Master, I don't know how to put on a tie!"

"I don't know either, but we're just going to have to figure it out! I refuse to go in there wearing a clip-on! Stupid spider-formal wear... How about...does it go like this, maybe...?"

Legato sweat-dropped. "Um, Master, that's how you make a noose."

"Damn. And this color is hideous!" It was chartreuse. "Hand me that one in the back. No, not the spots! The stripes, Legato, the stripes! God, this dinner is going to be a disaster, I can feel it!" Knives tossed the offending tie to the floor and took several calming breaths. "Alright Millions, get a grip. It's only a dinner. Nothing to get worked up about. Now, who do we know that we can force to fasten our ties?"

"What about Midvalley, Master? He wears a tie. Sometimes." Legato looked with distaste on his own tie, an unattractive paisley number. He'd rather wear one of Midvalley's, even if all of the musician's ties were pink. Actually he'd like to have one with little hotdogs on it, but that was beside the point.

"Yes, the Hornfreak!" Knives grinned delightedly at the prospect of harassing his lesser minion. He hadn't seen the little priss all day. "Good thinking, Legato. You're slowly redeeming yourself for the dining room incident."

"Er, thank you, Master."

That settled, they proceeded out of the apartment and down the hall to the room that Rai Dei and Midvalley had been arguing over. The fight they'd had about it hadn't been pretty, but had ended quickly when a very annoyed Knives had proposed that both the Gung-Ho Guns might prefer sleeping in coffins instead. In the end, they shared the room.

Midvalley was not in the room. Nor was Rai Dei, but that didn't bother them because they doubted if the samurai could do ties anyway. Knives took a while to ponder. "Well, I suppose we had better get down to the lobby anyway. The dinner will start soon. Surely _someone _down there must know how to tie these things."

"Perhaps Vash knows, Master," Legato suddenly suggested. "He lives among humans every day. Surely he has encountered ties somewhere during that time?"

"Legato, that's it! You are completely pardoned from the kitchen incident." Giving his ecstatic blue-haired minion several approving pats on the head, Knives spun on his heel and made for the elevator. "Let's go. Where there is food and alcohol, and where there are attractive spider-women, my brother will be there. To the lobby!"

**O.O.O.O.O**

The lobby was plunged in a state of complete and utter chaos. Villains of every shape, size, gender, ethnicity, species, and orientation were gathered together to await the opening of the newly cleaned and straightened dining room and the biannual meeting of the United Anime Villain's Union.

The door guards were having a horrible time just keeping people who were not supposed to be in attendance out of the hotel. No sooner had they turned away the Nebraska family on the completely righteous grounds of being too large to fit inside the building, let alone get through the doors without getting stuck, another crisis occurred. Nigh on a thousand demented looking Nazi zombie vampires stormed the doors, demanding entrance.

"No, no, no!" shouted one guard, waving his glow stick. "There are too many of you! Only two representatives from each group of villains are allowed! Those are all we have room for!" So the zombies held a closed conference and selected two of their more promising candidates to enter the dinner.

And just when the guards had admitted the zombie representatives and were beginning to think that their problems were over, two more troublemakers decided to have a go.

"Let me in!" howled the one in the giant red hat. "I've got to get rid of the zombies or my frigid wench of a master will cut off my in-room Internet service! Get out of the way!"

"Are ye mad, laddies? Don't let that vampire freak within a mile o' yer dinner party!" the rosary-wielding other gritted through a heavy Scottish accent as he tried to elbow the one in red off the steps. "Let _me_ in! I'm the good guy, and I fight in the name o' God! I'll take care o' yer vampire problem!"

"No, _I'm_ the good guy!"

"No ye're not, ye crazy monster! I am!"

"_I_ am!"

"_I_ am!"

"Gentlemen!" bellowed the guard. "I can't let either one of you in, as this is a convention specifically forbidding the entrance of anyone who is not considered a villain. I'm sorry, but you'll both have to leave."

Alucard and Anderson stared at each other for a moment.

"Alright, then I'm the villain! Let me in!"

"No ye're not, ye psychotic, un-dead beastie! _I'm _the villain!"

"Priests can't _be_ villains, you stupid son of a –"

"Alright, that's it." As guns were drawn the security team dove into action, pouncing on the surprised rivals and dragging them off the premises. "And don't come back until you've attended joint therapy!" the lead guard called after them, triumphantly waving his glow stick.

"NO!" Anderson howled as he was drug away, kicking and screaming. "Ye don't know what ye're doing! Ye don't know what ye're up against! They'll come back, I tell ye, all o' them! Ye won't stand a chance! Alucard, back me up, here!"

"Gimme back my hat!" Alucard wailed, reaching for the sniggering guard who had picked it up.

Knives and Legato, rather than doing their best not to stare, laughed and pointed at the spectacle. It was good to be evil. Wandering through the crowd, they at last came upon Vash and Wolfwood, and also Dominique.

Dominique had several of her friends with her. Knives recognized Lust and Kagura, but with them was another woman he didn't know. Vash, thankfully in his black coat and glasses, was flirting hot and heavy with Lust. He had decided that the dark costume would work to his advantage in that area as well. She had also readily accepted his assertions that he was not, in fact, gay, much to his relief.

"So I told them I wasn't going to their stupid dinner, and if they didn't leave me alone to go out with the girls for once there were going to be some massive bloodstains on the carpets," Lust giggled. "So now Greed and Envy are going to represent us and Sloth and I get to go back to the spa with Dom. Right Sloth?"

The other Homunculus politely stifled a yawn, then smiled at Vash. Not that she was bored, she just had the tendency to yawn a lot. "Yes, that's right."

"Good for you!" Vash beamed, really trying to win some hearts. "You lovely ladies deserve an evening of rest and relaxation! Can I get either of you a drink? Some toast points, perhaps?"

"Psst, Vash," Knives whispered, inching up to his twin through the crowd. "Can you do us a favor?"

"Oh, sure, bro." Without even waiting to hear the request, Vash snatched the tie out of his brother's hand and fixed it around his neck, quick as lightning. In seconds he did the same for Legato and resumed his conversation with Lust. "So, what were we saying?"

Knives gave his brother a silent shoulder slap of thanks and turned to Legato. "So, Bluesummers. Ready for this?"

"I think I can handle it, Master."

"Good. But I want you to try to remember a few things. Number one: we don't like anyone in here, so we are not obligated to be nice to any of them. Number two: remembering rule number one, it doesn't matter whether or not anyone else gets as much food as we do. So eat whatever you want." Legato let out a gasp of joy. "And most importantly, number three: if I look like I'm going to fall asleep, poke me in the head. Got it?"

"Yes, Master."

"Excellent. I always knew you were bright." While Legato stood as if in a trance, thinking about all the glorious food he would consume in the immediate future, Knives took a look around. He saw many familiar faces, and most of them made him curl his lip in distaste. After all, Knives did have a severe superiority complex. However, he was soon jostled out of pondering how much better he was than everyone else as a group of very hyper children ran by. A familiar face was at the lead. Knives' eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Hey, you! Beast! What are you up to?"

Zazie brought his pack to a halt. "It's a secret," he growled. Knives ignored him in favor of looking over the other children in the group. He picked out Rin and Kanna from Naraku's rabble, but the others seemed to be new additions to Zazie's pack. The young boy Wrath with oddly mismatched limbs and an immense mop of black hair was present, grinning widely. Kohaku was there looking miserable, clearly under orders from Sessho-maru to watch over Rin. Knives recognized the three little alien kids, Kish, Pie, and Tart, from Tokyo Mew Mew, Midvalley's favorite Saturday morning show. And running behind came a slightly older boy with ears and a tail wearing what looked like a Nazi uniform, swastika and all.

_What is with this sudden Nazi influence? _Knives thought to himself.

This last boy skidded around the group and scampered up to the black-haired woman with Dominique. "Rip! Rip, let me use your gun! It's important!"

The woman looked down at the boy, protectively clutching the immense gun she had slung over her shoulder. "What do you want with the Precious?"

The boy rolled his disturbingly animal eyes. "Give it a rest, Rip. We all know you like that Rings movie. Now give it!" He reached for the gun but was denied.

"Why?"

"That boy in the poncho is calling me names! He said I was a girl, and then he said he could boss me around because I'm an animal, and _then_ he said I couldn't even make up my mind if I was a cat or a wolf! How dare he insult the superior race! Give me the gun!"

Dominique and Kagura exchanged scared looks. The kid looked ready to bite someone. Rip Van Winkle sighed. "Schrodinger, we've been through this. We decided you're a mixed breed, remember? We talked about how special that made you?"

"NOO!" The kid covered his cat/wolf ears, unwilling to listen. Zazie laughed. "Just give me the gun!"

"You'll never have the Precious!" An enormous evil grin broke across Rip's face that made everyone around her step quickly away. Laughing insanely she broke and ran for the spa, holding the huge gun over her head. Lust went after her, a bottle of meds clutched firmly in one gloved hand. Obviously Rip had missed her latest dose. Vash whimpered and waved a sad goodbye.

"See you later, Master Knives!" Dominique called cheerfully, running after her friends with Kagura and Sloth behind her. "Have fun at your banquet! We have a date with the hot tubs and sauna!" With a little wave she disappeared into the crowd.

Zazie likewise bolted, his crew of children following along behind him. Schrodinger the were-cat/wolf took off in hot pursuit, howling like a thing possessed, determined to rip the poncho boy into tiny pieces. "I'll get you, you little blonde frigger!"

Knives blinked. "Well. That was...odd. Hmm, I do hope he catches Zazie..."

"Yep." Wolfwood casually lit another cigarette. "Up for a friendly game of air hockey, Vash?"

"She's gone, Nick!"

"I know. I saw her leave. Wanna pay a little visit to the arcade?"

"I guess so..." Vash left with a sigh. "See you later, bro, Legato. Enjoy dinner."

Knives huffed. "Whatever." Further conversation was brought to a halt as the ornate doors to the newly cleaned and restored dining room opened with a flourish. "Ladies and gentlemen," a tuxedo-clad host announced, "welcome, to the meeting of the United Anime Villains Union, and thank you for choosing not to destroy our dining room a second time, in advance." Legato sweat-dropped. "Please enter and find your places. Thank you."

Knives straightened his tie and, followed closely by Legato, he led the way in. At this point in the trip he felt ready for anything. But, honestly, it was only an hour-long dinner party. How bad could it possibly be?

**O.O.O.O.O**

Akito Sohma was presiding. Contrary to the attitude of almost everyone else who had been selected to preside in the past, he looked quite happy. Seated in a large chair at the head of the center-most of three long banquet tables, he was smiling and stroking the heavily tranquilized orange cat in his lap. "So nice to see you all! The places are marked, so feel free to mill around and find your seats."

Knives cautiously eased over to the left side table and found his and Legato's name tags. So far, so good. Sitting down, they took a look at some of their table companions.

"But I came into the saga first!" Freeza hissed, threatening his series partner with the toothpick out of his cocktail.

Cell sneered. "So? Trunks killed you in, like, two seconds. The only reason you're here in the first place is because Buu threw a tantrum and refused to show."

"You lie, overgrown beetle!"

"Aw, the short little girly-man is mad at me! I'm scared!"

Yamis Marik and Bakura were deep in heated debate over which of them was more evil, and so the senior villain representative of their series. Yami Bakura seemed to be winning due to sheer cuteness. Nothing out of the ordinary there.

Knives glanced at the two men seated directly across from Legato and himself. A short, pudgy gentleman in yet more Nazi garb and a much taller fellow with rather short hair. Yep, perfectly normal.

Legato was staring threateningly at Greed, who was seated beside him, wondering if he was also going to have to fight this Homunculus over the food, and whether or not this fur-collared member of the FullMetal Alchemist villains' cast would be tougher than the fat one. Greed stared back for a moment before turning away to hoard the after-dinner mints someone had foolishly set out on the table in front of a large group of hungry villains. It seemed that a battle wasn't going to occur, at least not right then.

Knives took a moment to be quasi-grateful for the small things, as Greed began to choke on an over-large mouthful of mints.

Legato left off staring and began to nervously nibble the corner of his napkin in anticipation, waiting for the dinner to begin. Knives placed his own napkin in his lap and waited for the dinner to end.

And so it began. Akito suddenly stood up, dumping the lethargic orange cat off his lap as he did so, and tapped his wine glass for attention. "Ladies and gentlemen. Our first course will be a light seafood salad on wheat crackers, to be served shortly. While we wait, let us all stand and recite the United Anime Villains' Pledge. Those not in compliance will be shot. Those not in compliance that survive the shooting will be killed in another, nastier way."

Grudgingly the assembly shuffled to their feet and faced the hanging skull and crossbones flag, placing their hands over what passed for their evil, withered, and blackened hearts. As one (more or less) they recited the pledge.

"I do solemnly swear to be the best villain I can be, to wreck complete and total chaos, to sew the seeds of dissension, and to ruin all that is good and pure in this or any other world. I swear to ruthlessly follow the chosen protagonist and/or protagonists of my choice, and to do my utmost to make their lives an utter and unbearable hell. I vow to stamp out love, merriment, and laughter wherever and whenever they arise. Every day and in every way, I am becoming more and more evil. Huzza!"

"Damn I hate that pledge," Knives commented to no one in particular as the first course was served. It was gonna be a long banquet.

**o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o**

**(2****nd****) Author's Note:** Be sure to tune in soon for the climactic conclusion of the United Anime Villains' Union banquet! Blood, and possibly gravy, will be spilled! Rolls will roll! And it _will_ be messy. See you there!


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note:** Hi again, everyone! I feel like I owe some people an explanation for my recent behavior (i.e, not updating). The reason for this is that I was waiting for my Christmas present, a brand new laptop that I have christened Typie, to be given to me before I started the new chapter. But then I had to wait for it to be juiced with Internet access so I could post. Never again will this happen, I promise you! Thank you all for waiting so patiently.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Trigun, InuYasha, or any of the other anime I spoof so shamelessly. If I did, it would be a lot funnier.

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Millions Knives was bored. Napkin folding, water glass squeaking, yawning, toe tapping, tablecloth twisting, out of his skull bored. The United Anime Villains Union Biannual Meeting and Formal Dinner was on its third course out of seven, and he was already ready to say screw it all and crawl away underneath the table.

"Is something troubling you, Master?" Legato Bluesummers asked from the seat next to him. The blue-haired minion had been happy as a slightly psychotic clam since the first appetizers had been sent out, and he showed no signs of being displeased as a waitress placed a dish of hot soup in front of him.

Knives glared. "Only the fact that I'm going to get hemorrhoids if I have to sit here much longer," he growled half-heartedly. It was hard to summon even the energy for a good snarl with tuna tartar in your teeth. "How much longer do we have to endure this torture?"

Legato checked his watch. "At least another hour, Master. Um, if you are not going to be eating your soup, then perhaps I may...?" Knives seized the bowl and slurped it down, strictly out of spite. Legato's face fell. "Shouldn't you be paying more attention to the discussion, Master? You may be asked to speak."

"If that happens, you may be asked to force the person that asked me to remove their own spleen with their salad fork." Knives' eyes narrowed dangerously. "I came to their stupid meeting. What else would they dare expect me to do?" He moodily flicked a packet of crackers off the edge of his plate. Legato was on it like a duck on a June bug, though he was privately wondering why his master had joined the union at all if he hated it so much.

"Millions-san. Perhaps you would care to add to our little chat?" Akito Sohma suddenly asked from the head of the table, breaking Knives forcefully from his thoughts. "We were discussing whether or not to vote on a new union law. It would entail the question of, whenever one of us finally manages to conquer the world, should the other members then be exempt from their rule? Anything to say on the subject?"

The glare the plant sent down the board could be correctly interpreted as "eat shit and die." It caused crystal to splinter, fine china to shatter, and half the dinner attendees, hardened villains all, to look quickly away. Legato got ready to exercise his Scary Power.

Akito sweat-dropped. "Alright, perhaps not."

Knives slumped back into his seat and waved Legato down. He sighed as his minion happily returned to the soup. Legato had been right after all. He hated that. Oh, in the name of all that was unholy, the dinner was boring! Knives concentrated his mental strength and bent his spoon into a fair semblance of a hooded cobra.

The portly gentleman across from Knives apparently saw what he had done and guessed why. "Horridly dull, isn't it?" he sympathized in a slightly German accent.

Knives immediately wanted to set the man on fire just to get rid of the Nazi uniform he was getting sicker of every time he saw it. Then he reconsidered. The man was obviously as bored as he was. The guy looked intelligent enough, as far as spiders went. Maybe he could have a bit of conversation to pass the time. "Yes, I suppose it is. Now, I am going to ask you a question. What is with the uniform?"

The man nodded sagely. "Oh, I knew Herr Hitler. A wonderful man, he was. My name is Major Montana Max, by the by, and this is my bodyguard Captain Hans."

"Millions Knives and Legato Bluesummers." Now firmly interested, Knives reached over the table to shake the man's hand. Legato ignored him and instead finished off a serving of toast points he had somehow mysteriously acquired. "You say you actually knew Hitler?"

"Oh, yes. Old Adolf knew what was what. I think you'd have liked him. What is it you do, Millions?"

"I exterminate humans."

"Jews?"

"All of them." Knives made a vague, all-encompassing gesture. "All humans. Every last one of the spidery little Homo Sapiens crawling on the face of the planet, dead as a doornail. That's my goal." He wondered if the Major really had a German accent or if he was just faking it.

"Oh, well," the Major shrugged, "same basic concept. You'd have liked him. I know he'd have liked you. Tall, blue eyes, blonde – you're not by any chance Aryan, are you?"

"Plant. Sentient. One of two." Knives' eye twitched momentarily as a vision of his twin, drunk, dancing and laughing with that revolting necktie around his head leapt unbidden to his mind. "The intelligent one."

The Major smiled indulgently, completely ignoring his bodyguard and the blue-haired man next to Knives as they began staring evilly at one another once more. "Yes, I can see that you are intelligent, Millions. Now, imagine, if you will, what wonderful effect a bomb of mustard gas would have on this little gathering."

Knives grinned as the man pulled one of the items in question out of his jacket pocket. "Well, my first instinct would be to throw it toward the head of the table, but..."

"...more of them would escape if the bomb was so far from the doors. Exactly what I was thinking."

Knives was happy. He almost felt that he liked this fat little spider. He would make sure to kill him quickly when he finally eradicated the rest of his species. Absurdly pleased with the direction the conversation was headed, Knives was about to introduce the subject of nuclear warfare when something happened. A small chunk of plaster fell into his wineglass. He glanced sharply at the ceiling. Another piece hit him between the eyes. "What the hell was that?"

All around the table, the villainous banquet goers were beginning to look in the relative direction of up. The ceiling was groaning now, small chunks of masonry falling like patchy hail. Legato finally broke evil, glaring eye contact with Captain Hans to check out the tiny particles falling on his gorgeous blue hair. Knives had that distinct and nagging sinking feeling.

Then it happened. The ceiling of the gala ball and formal dining room gave way, and it began to rain reanimated Nazi vampires.

"Holy shit!" The enterprising Homunculus Greed seized a silver turkey platter out from under its occupant and belted one of the first wave of vampires in the head. Envy ducked under the table as Legato jumped high, grabbed the flying turkey, and subsequently kicked in the faces of two more of the living dead. The turkey gravy splattered to the winds, spraying Freeza with the scalding flour and oil mixture. The alien, accordingly, screeched bloody murder.

"Oh, dear." Akito tried to ring his wine glass for order, but busted it by mistake. He sweat-dropped. "My, this is certainly getting... a bit... just a little... out of hand... Well, crap. Uh, every man for himself! Or herself! Let me out of here!" Preferring inflicting deep psychological trauma over actual physical contact to cause misery, Akito seized the tranquilized orange cat by the tail and fled the room.

Not so surprisingly, however, most of the others chose to stay. They were all villains, after all, and nearly all of them liked a good rumble. Knives himself was overjoyed. This was it. What he'd been waiting for almost from the time the con had begun. A chance to introduce the rest of the union to Messrs. Angel Arms one and two. He clenched his fists. A huge smile spread over his face. This was it.

Legato, sensing the warning signs, clutched his turkey tighter and got ready to run. However, before he could make a break for it, his cell went off. All commotion ceased as the theme from Psycho echoed around the suddenly silent room. Vampires and villains alike froze mid-combat. Lord knows why they did this. Knives paused and sent a questioning glance at his minion. Legato held up a hand in apology and picked up. "Hello? Yes, he's here. Just a moment." He turned to Knives. "It's for you, Master."

"Shit." The angel arms would have to wait. "Give it here." He snatched the phone from Legato and impatiently answered. "Speak."

What he heard disturbed him deeply.

"Oh my God, Master! Master! It turned over! It really turned _over!_"

Knives was startled. "Turned over? What did? Wait, who is this?"

"The trailer, Master!" the voice bawled hysterically. "It flipped! It really flipped! We didn't mean it, Master, honestly, but the roads, they were all wet and –"

"E.G.?" Knives demanded. "E.G., is that you? Where the hell are you?" In truth, he had forgotten all about the rest of his absent Gung-Ho Guns, and as the authoress I bet you did too. I'm right, aren't I?

"It's... it's... I think it may be... oh, God, it's _burning,_ Master! It's on _fire!_ Oh-God-oh-God-oh-God! Wait..." There was a pause. Knives felt ill. "Hoppard and Grey! They're still in there! Oh my _God!_"

Knives passed a hand over his face. "E.G.," he said in a very calm voice, "I want you to hang up the phone right now and dial 911. Are you listening to me, E.G.?"

"OH MY GOD! Pray, Chapel! Pray NOW! OH MY GOD! AAAAAHHH!"

Slowly and carefully, Knives turned off the cell. Gently folding the phone in half, he passed it back to Legato. "Sorry about that... Wrong number. Carry on." Looking stricken, Legato nevertheless obediently tucked the phone away once more. After another moment of silence, the fight resumed.

Knives, however, had inexplicably lost his desire for battle. He had a headache. "Come on, Legato. We're leaving."

"Oh." Legato hesitated. "May I bring the –"

"Grab your stupid turkey and let's go! I need to lie down."

Together they made their way through the flying food and debris and out of the hall. The last thing Knives saw as they exited the room was Anderson and Alucard plummeting down out of the ruined ceiling, guns and swords blazing, screaming at each other all the while.

"We _told_ ye all!" Anderson screamed. "Didn't we tell them, Alucard!"

"_We_ nothing," the vampire snorted. "This is all _your_ fault, you demented priest!"

"No, it's yer fault, ye un-dead freak! If ye hadn't been here they'd ah listened ta me in the first place!"

Nursing his suddenly aching head along with his mounting hatred of the con, Knives brooded his way through the lobby, past hordes of panicking hotel employees. Legato followed obediently, nibbling his turkey and thinking that the evening had not been a total loss after all. At least he had been fed, for free, and the master had not destroyed anything more important than a soup spoon. Life was good. "So, Master," he casually asked as they hopped the elevator, "who was on the phone really?"

Knives felt the vein in his forehead beginning to throb spastically. "I really do not want to talk about it, Legato."

Very curious now, Legato covertly read his leader's mind. He was momentarily saddened by the demise of his colleagues, but that emotion was short lived as he began to ponder how much better his financial future looked. A salary split between a few less minions meant more money in his wallet, either way. He was happily thinking thoughts of lobster tail and caviar when they arrived back at their rooms. To find the door locked.

Knives moved to search his pockets before remembering that he had left his key card lying on the desk inside the room. He sighed. "Legato, would you hurry up and open the door?" His mouth full of turkey, Legato simply nodded and ransacked his pockets. No card. Legato, sweating slightly, turned to his master.

"Um..."

Knives' eyes narrowed. "Legato, what exactly does 'um' mean?"

Legato swallowed with some difficulty and smiled sheepishly. "It may mean that I have inadvertently forgotten my key somewhere, Master Knives. Would you like me to hurl myself down the stairs as penance?"

"No, I want you to hurl that disgusting turkey away out of my sight and help me figure out how to get into our room, you stupid spider!" Knives aimed a smack at his minion that missed Legato but hit the turkey, sending it skidding off down the hall. "Now follow me. Vash had better be in his room, the little twit..."

Whimpering slightly at the loss of his snack, Legato followed his master the few feet to the next room. "Supposing they aren't in right now, Master?"

"Then we kick the damn door down and to hell with paying damages. Vash!" In that frame of mind, Knives began to pound on his twin's door. "Open up! We need you to let us into our room! Vash! Open the door, you spiky little shit!"

There was no answer. However, from inside the room reasonably loud music could be heard. Knives pressed his ear against the door suspiciously. His face fell. "Oh my God, they're doing karaoke."

Legato blinked. "What?"

"Listen." Knives shoved his minion's head none too gently at the door. Through the wood drifted an inspiring snippet of song, performed by what could only be Wolfwood's obviously drunk but still slightly pleasing voice.

"...Get'cher motor runnin'... head out on the highway... lookin' for adventure... an' whatever comes my way! I like smoke an' lightnin'... heavy metal thunder... racin' with the wind... an' this feelin' that I'm under!"

Legato sweat-dropped. "Well... he's not that bad, is he, Master?"

"That is hardly the point, Legato!" Knives was about to begin a rant, but was suddenly forced to block his ears as Vash took up the song, also obviously drunk but not nearly as good a singer as Wolfwood.

"...take the world in a long embrace... fire all of yer guns at once an' explode into spaaaace! Like a true Nature's chiiild, we were born, born to be wild! Yeah! Party! More booze, Nick! Crank that stereo, aw-right!"

Knives' face was slowly going from red to purple in rapidly escalating irritation.

Wolfwood's worried voice rang out. "Vash, stop! You're too big to jump on the bed! Hey, will you listen to me! You're gonna dump our booze, dammit!"

Knives suddenly lost it. He began to viciously kick the door, screaming at the top of his lungs. "Vash, you will open this door right now or so help me I will break it down and choke the life out of you with my bare hands! Do you hear me!"

No answer. The music was still drowning out even his angry shouts. Knives was tired, sore, had a headache, and wanted to sleep. Hence, he was fast running the gauntlet from peeved to pissed to angered beyond all reason to incoherent with rage. "VASH! OPEN... the FREAKING... DOOR!"

"Boooorn to be wiiii-eeeeee-iiiii-iiiiild!" Vash shrieked from inside the room.

"That's it!" Laughing hysterically, Knives whipped out his gun from an inside pocket of his formal jacket and fired off a quick round into the cheap wood of the door. Vash and Wolfwood's confused screams, Legato's desperate shouts for his master to stop and think of damage costs, and the bullet riddled door finally falling off its hinges into the hallway immediately brought everyone on their floor running out of their rooms to investigate. The smart ones immediately ran back in again. Only the Gung-Ho Guns remained to assist Legato in calming their master.

"Woah! Woah, woah, woah, Master!" Midvalley, who happened to be resting up before taking his nightly stroll down to the bar with his sax, helped Legato subdue the struggling plant. "What happened to the rooms being whole and intact when we leave, huh? You don't want to have to pay any extra, do you?"

"Let me go! Insolent spiders!" Knives was nearly to the point of angel arms once more. "I'm going to kill them both! Mostly Vash -- but I'm still going to kill them both! Don't any of you try to stop me!"

"Deep breaths, master, deep breaths!"

"Waaaah! My hair!" As Knives slowly calmed himself, Vash emerged hesitantly from the room, his blonde spikes split neatly down the middle by a bullet furrow. He sniffled piteously. "Why'd you have to go and do that, Knives? I just got it done all nice and neat at the salon, too!"

"I'll salon you, you miserable little –!"

"Yipe!"

Piece by piece, the story of the night's misadventures was put together by both sides of the party. Shortly after Knives and Legato had entered the banquet, Vash and Wolfwood gone down to the arcade as planned. That soon got boring, and they had switched plans for the evening and covertly followed the women to the spa in order to get an eye full, as it were. Predictably, they were caught. By Lust. However, far from being offended by their behavior, the busty Homunculus was rather amused, and invited the two into their feminine domain for some drinks. Vash had shortly after secured her number, after both he and Wolfwood swore a solemn oath that they were not, in fact, dating. To celebrate the event, the men had retired to their room for some celebratory tunes. Hence, they had been far too smashed to hear Knives' calls.

"I should kill you both. Messily," Knives growled as Dominique finally entered Vash's room and opened the connecting door to Knives' suite. He pushed malignantly past them all into his own room, shooting the transgressors an evil glare.

Vash immediately pointed at his friend. "It was all Nick's fault!"

"Wha? My fault? That is not true!" Wolfwood was properly incensed.

"You're the one who turned the music up so loud!"

"Well, pardon _me!_ I distinctly remember _someone _yelling at me to 'Crank it, crank it!'"

"Yeah? Well you'd never have listened to me any other time! You never listen to me! You're a bad friend, Nick!"

Nicholas gasped. "I am not! You're just a bad drunk!"

"SILENCE!"

Everyone quailed as Knives slammed the door. Intense stomping could be heard inside, presumably as the plant readied for bed. After a moment, the thin stream of light from under the door went out. Without speaking a word, the Gung-Ho Guns dispersed to their own beds. They had a pretty good idea what would happen to the first person to disturb the master's sleep.

"I think you'd better stay with us tonight, Legato," Vash whispered nervously, trying to prop his busted door back into its frame in a way that would make the least possible amount of noise. "No telling what he might do if you go in there now."

Legato glanced around uneasily. "Yes, I think you might be right. I'll need to borrow some pajamas..."

"Sure, no problem." Wolfwood, feeling amiable due to the alcohol and an evening spent with scantily clad women in damp towels and not much else, volunteered his spare pair. "Anything for a fellow killer in need, huh?"

"Thank you, Chapel." Touched, and hoping that the master would be in a better temper come the morning, the psychic followed Vash and Wolfwood into their room. "Oh, by the way... You two wouldn't happen to have anything to eat, would you?"

So all was quiet on the upstairs front. However, downstairs next to the water fountains and soda machines...

**O.O.O.O.O**

"...and that's all," Naraku giggled maniacally as he stirred his tea inside the feudal era villains' booth. "It's so simple. I don't know why I didn't think of it before! This is sure to be the end of Millions Knives as we know him! It will completely ruin, break, and destroy him utterly! It's genius!"

Against all odds, Sessho-maru looked exasperated. "Naraku, I finally feel the need to comment on something."

Naraku smiled slightly, expecting praise and a confession that he was truly the superior demon from Sessho-maru. "Yes? Go on."

The dog-demon looked his on-again off-again ally right in the eye. "Isn't there any other, more _original_, way for you to get your jollies? You seem like quite the powerful demon, in your own way. Couldn't you, just once, use a show of brute force instead of something devious, underhanded, and dripping with hurtful betrayal?"

Naraku blinked, startled, before coming back to himself and clucking in disapproval. "Tut, tut, my dear doggie. It seems that you still do not quite appreciate the subtle appeal of my tactic. Let me explain. By manipulating the people in the world around me without revealing myself or my true purpose, I am, in effect, turning my environment into one colossal snow globe. Whenever I want a giggle I simply pick it up and give it a shake."

Sessho-maru blinked slowly as the unnatural hanyou continued to ramble, growing more conceited as he spoke.

"Take, for example, the demon slayer Kohaku. His sister is forever in a state of nervous unease, wondering what I may compel her precious little brother to do next. It's the perfect torture, Sessho-maru. I hurt people through the ones they love the most. Now do you understand?"

Slowly, Sessho-maru nodded. "Yes, I do believe that I understand now."

Naraku smiled smugly.

"I understand that you are a sad, sorry excuse for a living demon that has never had a real life, does not presently have a life, and shows no signs of having a real life any time in the near future, and you have secured my pity."

Naraku was speechless.

Rin giggled as Sessho-maru swept her up and prepared to depart the booth for the night. "So Naraku's a loony, my lord?"

"That's right, Rin. Time for bed now. Have you brushed your teeth?"

"And washed my face, too!"

"Good girl. Until tomorrow, then, Naraku." Feeling he had made his point, Sessho-maru carried his adopted child out of the booth and away to bed. He couldn't help but wonder if Naraku had even a mere moiety of his marbles left, to even consider doing what he was considering doing now. Oh, well. It wasn't his business if Millions flattened the other demon like a steamroller. If Naraku was foolish enough to threaten the life of Vash the Stampede, then he deserved whatever he got. Patting the already dozing Rin's hair, Sessho-maru ascended the stairs with a clear conscience.

**O.O.O.O.O**

To Be Continued

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**(2****nd****) Author's Note:** Whew! Done in record time, everyone! And, muses and higher powers working together on this one, we will never have a delay that long again. Rest assured, the story isn't quite done yet! Tune in soon for the next epic installment! 'Til then, everybody.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note:** Yee-haw! Update time once again! I'm so glad you enjoyed the last chapter. I was beginning to worry that I had lost my touch for the story, but your wonderful reviews allied my fears. Seriously, I get all misty-eyed when I read them. It keeps an author goin', you know? Without any further ado, may Typie and I present, chapter six!

**Disclaimer:** I own no one. Sad for me, but undoubtedly beneficial to the health of the characters. My happy-happy love-love waves would probably cause them psychological damage beyond the range of human comprehension.

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The third and final day of the So, You're So Evil You Could Swap Notes With Satan? Villains Convention dawned peacefully. Down the myriad hallways of the hotel, various villains and villainesses were beginning to stir, lured out of bed by the promise of strong coffee and the stronger promise of getting their last day of the con over with. However, that was the last thing on one plant's mind as he traversed the hallways of the hotel that early morn.

To Vash the Stampede, morning meant one thing. Donuts. He was humming happily as he took the elevator down to the lobby. This morning, he was expecting a special treat. Being in a hotel, he was assured of something even better than ordinary donuts; warm, fresh, _free _donuts from the breakfast buffet.

Vash entered the dining room, once more miraculously repaired and cleaned from the zombie vampire episode of the night before, with a spring in his step. Happily, he noted that he was the first one down to breakfast. That being the case, he was also to have first pick of the donuts.

Grinning hugely, he hurried over to the table and peered down into the donut basket. Empty!

Vash gasped in horror, lifting the decorative basket to peer under it. How could it be _empty?_ This was horrible! This was _unthinkable!_ Just when the Stampede was about to have a genuine panic attack, he noticed something unusual.

A large, hand lettered sign had been posted on the wall over the buffet table. "DONUTS THIS WAY," it read, with a large red arrow pointing off down the nearest hallway. On the floor, a tantalizing trail of donuts of all shapes, sizes, flavors and fillings seemed to beckon him on. The whole setup reeked of a trap.

Without a second thought, Vash took the bait. Taking up the empty basket he followed the trail, scooping up every pastry he passed and placing it lovingly inside for later consumption. Without a care he followed the donuts' path through the hotel, making his way unerringly toward the water fountains and soda machines. Bent nearly double picking up donuts, he didn't notice the flicker of a demonic force field as he passed through. His last thought before Kohaku drilled him with the mallet was where he could find some milk. And Vash the Stampede was down for the count.

**O.O.O.O.O**

Upstairs, Knives was sleeping peacefully. He was dreaming that he had gone onto Dominique's favorite spider-television program, "American Idol," and assassinated each one of the spider-judges. Taking the judges' place, he proceeded to kill every spider-contestant that did not make the cut. A wide smile on his sleeping face, Knives enjoyed his dream. Until a loud shriek from the room next door woke him from his happy place.

A bit annoyed but willing to at least go investigate the noise before he angel armed the entire connecting wall, the plant reluctantly got out of bed. He carefully tucked his plushie butterfly, Mr. Flutters, back into his overnight bag and ran a hand through his short but messy hair. Pulling on his robe over his bumblebee patterned underpants, he shoved his way into Vash and Wolfwood's room. The usual morning chaos he could unfailingly expect from the Gung-Ho Guns met him.

Wolfwood was seated at the room's desk with a cup of black coffee and the morning newspaper, which appeared to detail the zombie vampire invasion of the night before and the subsequent arrests of two delusional and highly suspicious characters. Dominique and Rai Dei were eating toast and Lucky Charms at the small table, watching early-morning cartoons. Midvalley was stretched out on the sofa clutching his sax, probably still trying to recover from another all-nighter at the hotel bar and casino. And Legato, merciless killer and vice-leader of the Gung-Ho Guns, was standing in the middle of the room in his skull pajamas. He had Zazie by the ankles and was holding him up under the swiftly rotating ceiling fan. This was where the shrieking was coming from.

Legato gave the captive boy a jerk and a hard shove upwards. "Don't you ever do that again! You evil little sand worm, I should just finally kill you and never have to put up with your malicious stupidity ever, ever again!" Zazie screamed incoherently as the fan gave him several quick slaps in the head.

Knives was not amused. "This had better be very good, Bluesummers, or you will rue the moment you and that spider-brat woke me up early." He chose to blatantly ignore the terrific spectacle of abuse that would have undoubtedly called down not only the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children, but, in Zazie's case, PETA as well.

Once again Legato shoved the Beast into the fan. None of the other outlaws made a move to help. "It was him, Master!" Legato accused. "He let the vampire zombies into the hotel last night! He and his little band of villain children wannabe's just opened the door and let the entire swarm of them inside!"

"And we showed them the ventilation system, too," Zazie smirked smugly. It was the wrong thing to say. The fan clipped him six more times straight on the nose as Legato hoisted him higher once again. "Oww! Oww oww OWW! Knock it off, jerkwad!"

"I was not done eating, Zazie," Legato gritted, trying to remain calm. "I was not even close to being full. Your little un-dead Nazi friends ruined the dinner before I was finished with it. Now, I want you to tell me how you think that makes me feel."

Zazie took a breath and opened his mouth to answer, but it was promptly filled with a high-velocity fan blade. Knives sighed, then yawned, then turned to pursue the coffee. "Fine. Whatever, Legato." Grabbing a cup of coffee, he dropped down in the chair next to Wolfwood. "Chapel, have you seen my brother this morning?"

Wolfwood nodded, still flipping through his paper. "Yeah, he skipped out of here half an hour ago saying his donut senses were tingling. I guess he went to the breakfast bar." A second later the priest's eyes narrowed and he put down his paper. "I asked him to bring me some bagels. Bet he forgot. The broom-head."

Knives could feel a migraine coming on. He slowly rubbed his temples, which were already beginning to pound, as Zazie let out another salvo of screams and obscenities. "Legato, get him down from there before he gets brain damaged any worse than he is already." The plant gingerly picked up a burnt pop-tart that had been left on the table, then discarded it with a shudder. He'd have to visit the breakfast bar himself. _Only a few hours left, Millions, _he reminded himself. _Only a few hours left and you can go home and be free for twelve whole months. Last day. Let's make the last day as painless for you and as painful for everyone you don't like as possible._

Thus encouraged by his own pep talk, Knives stood, stretched, and proceeded back to his room to change for the Villains' Convention Awards Ceremony and Luncheon. He was still in charge here. Master of his domain. As long as he remembered that, what could possibly go wrong?

**O.O.O.O.O**

"Naraku, you did it!" Kagura squealed disbelievingly. "You did it! You caught Vash the Stampede all by yourself!"

"And it was a freaking nightmare!" The demon in question picked moodily at one of the donuts that had gone flying when Vash was ambushed. "Can you imagine it! I, Naraku, forced to dress up as a lowly servant and deliver pastries from the kitchen to the dining room just so I could set up the sign and lay the donut trail! It was degrading!"

"Yes, but it worked!" Kagura clapped ecstatically. "And you did it all on your own, without anyone's help! Doesn't that make you feel proud of yourself?"

Naraku considered. Yes, now that he cared to stop complaining and think about it, he did feel rather proud. For perhaps the first time ever, he had gone out and physically done something other than stand in the shadows and smooth talk other people into doing his dirty work. It felt good. Though, the fact that Kohaku had done the risky bit was left unnoticed.

The half-demon was beginning to gloat when Sessho-maru, Jaken, and Rin walked through the barrier.

The dog demon took one look at the unconscious Stampede locked in the oversized cage, wrapped in duct tape from shoulders to knees like a giant blonde sashimi roll, and began to laugh. Jaken looked shocked. Rin was delighted. "Naraku, I have to give you your due; you are without question the most arrogant, insolent, _foolish _person I have ever met! You actually had the gall to _do it!_"

Naraku looked annoyed. "And you thought I wouldn't go through with it?"

"I thought you might actually consider the consequences of your scheme and come to your senses, but in retrospect I suppose that would really be rather unlikely." Sessho-maru was desperately trying to stop giggling. It wasn't working. "I am almost tempted to hover near and see what happens when Millions appears to collect his twin."

Naraku was unamused. "I think that you, my dearest Fluffy-chan, are merely jealous of the fact that I took down a dangerous creature such as Vash the Stampede alone, and by doing so have ensured my victory over his sibling. Hey, you! Get away from there!"

Completely ignoring Naraku, Rin continued to pat Vash's head through the bars of the cage. She giggled. "He's all spiky, my lord!"

Sessho-maru quickly suppressed a smile. "Leave him alone, Rin. You shouldn't go near him. Now that I think about it, don't go over there at all." He paused, considering. "Now that I think again about it, I believe that we should leave this area entirely. Come along."

"What's that, milord?" Jaken was dumbstruck. "You're actually going to follow that half-breed filth's orders? He can't treat you this way! Get him, milord! Show him who's more powerful! More regal! More... fluffy!" By this time the small green demon was bouncing in his enthusiasm, whacking left, right and center with his hideous human-headed stick. Kagura and Kohaku stepped back a few paces, slightly scared by the aggressive little display.

Sessho-maru sighed, taking Rin by the hand. "Jaken, I would sometimes swear that if you had even the faintest inkling of how annoying you are, you would kill yourself with a food processor." The lesser demon stopped short, mouth gapping, then followed his lord meekly through the barrier. Naraku waved smugly as they departed. He didn't want them around anyway, when Knives came to grovel and plead for the safety of his only brother. The honor of seeing that pitiful spectacle was to be his, and his alone. The evil hanyou stretched luxuriously and took another bite of donut. Life was good.

**O.O.O.O.O**

Outside the barrier, Sessho-maru collected a bottled water from one of the drink machines, watching Rin and Jaken disappear through the crowd toward the dining room, in search of breakfast. He frowned. He would have sent the human boy, Kohaku, out to watch her once more, but now it had become too risky. The boy was easily linked to Naraku, and that was now a very dangerous thing to be. For, no matter what the other demon's fond fancies conjured up, Sessho-maru couldn't help thinking that Millions' reaction to his twin's abduction would be somewhat different. Knives would not be worried and frightened. He would be pissed off.

Sessho-maru took a sip of the spring water, thinking back to the scene in Jurassic Park where the Tyrannosaurus rex had come to collect its kidnapped baby, eaten a few people, and thrown a large trailer off a cliff. Millions, like the Tyrannosaurus, was extremely possessive. And, though he hid it well, he loved and treasured his precious little brother underneath all the death threats and physical abuse. And the Tyrannosaurus did not have the major destructive advantage of angel arms and a previous, hefty grudge with the kidnappers.

Well. That decided that. For Rin's sake, if nothing else, it was time he left the premises. Tossing away the empty bottle, Sessho-maru disappeared swiftly and silently into the crowd, moving steadily away from the feudal era villains' booth.

Things were about to get interesting.

**O.O.O.O.O**

"Chapel, has my brother returned yet?" Knives called from the small hotel bathroom. "I still can't get this ridiculous tie right!"

Wolfwood's voice answered through the open connecting door. "No, he's still not back. Boss, why is it that we can wear whatever we want to the lunch, but we have to wear a tie with it? What's the point there? Like, take Rai Dei for example. Samurai robes and a tie do not go together! It's unnatural, for God's sake!"

Knives grimaced into the mirror. The priest was right, of course, but that didn't mean that they didn't have to wear the ties anyway. "Forget about it, Chapel. It'll be over soon enough. Besides, everyone else will look just as stupid as you do."

"Hey, yeah, that's true." Wolfwood sounded happier.

Finally ripping off his rumpled tie in frustration, Knives stalked into the other room. It appeared that he was going to have to go out and locate his twin after all. He was probably stalking that Lust woman again. Knives would have taken care of her long ago, but he wasn't quite sure whether she qualified as a spider or not, since she was obviously not human. "Time to go, Legato."

"Coming, Master." Legato came in dragging Zazie, bound and muzzled, behind him. The child was foaming at the mouth. Whether the foaming was from the fan beating or another bout of eating Alka-seltzer tablets, however, no one could determine.

Knives glanced at his minion. There was something unusual about him. "Legato, did you change your coat?"

The blue-haired man looked upset at the subject. "It's the shoulder pad, Master. This little savage bit a hole in it and it deflated. Now the blunt ends of the spikes are rubbing my shoulder raw and I am exercising all my willpower not to drown the child in the pool." Zazie giggled maniacally, despite being tied up and in close proximity to the wronged psychic.

The plant shook his head. "Where is Dominique?"

"She went to collect the Blade and Hornfreak, Master."

"Let's go meet them, then, and get down to this stupid 'luncheon.' Complain and you die! Anyway, two hours after this meal is over we will be on the road and speeding home." Knives tried to keep that thought firmly fixed in his mind as they made their way down the hall to the room Midvalley and Rai Dei shared, Wolfwood following behind in a snazzy clip-on tie covered in tiny crosses.

**O.O.O.O.O**

Dominique was having problems. As it turned out, sax players and samurai did not make the best roommates. The two Gung-Ho Guns had drawn a line down the center of the hotel room they had been forced to share, and each was loudly goading the other to step across it.

"It seems that I have acquired the miniature refrigerator on my side of the room, Hornfreak. Let's see how long your glutinous stomach will allow you to remain on your own side without food!" Rai Dei snarled.

"Yeah?" Midvalley countered. "Well _I_ got the bathroom on _my_ side! How 'bout we see how long it takes for you to piss yourself!" He lifted his saxophone as Rai Dei grimly drew his katana. Out in the hall, Dominique heaved a sigh. This convention was beginning to make her seriously consider finding another line of work.

In reality it was a bad situation. Rai Dei already had to use the bathroom, though he would never admit it. As for Midvalley, he had half of a French silk pie stashed away in the mini fridge, and he was internally terrified that the Blade would find it and eat it before he could get it back. Luckily for the both of them, however, Knives stepped in and settled the argument.

"You will both stop this foolish bickering and get out here RIGHT NOW, or so help me Wolfwood's God you will be wearing your own entrails to lunch!"

Both combatants shot out of the room and stood cowering behind Legato.

Knives allowed a small, self-satisfied smile. "That's better. I want that room spotless before we check out or you two will be sitting next to each other on the ride home. The _entire_ ride home. With no snacks."

"Yes, Master," they mumbled miserably, each plotting the gruesome demise of the other immediately upon returning to base.

They descended to the lobby where the villains were to gather for the awards ceremony, Knives scanning everywhere for his twin. Vash was not to be found. He was not in the arcade, he wasn't at the pool, and he wasn't hanging around by the women's spa. Seven different bathrooms were searched before Knives began to get a bit concerned. "Chapel, you don't suppose he's locked himself in another closet, do you?"

"I don't know," Wolfwood mused. "I guess it's always a possibility. Then again, he may be above our heads right now crawling around in the paneling, but I have no idea why he'd be doing that _now_."

In the paneling? Knives was sure he didn't want to know.

"Attention please, your attention please," the loudspeaker announced. "Please take your seats. The awards Ceremony will begin momentarily. Thank you."

Knives sighed, scanning the crowd. Still nos ign of blonde or white spikes. "Never mind right now, Chapel. He doesn't have to be here for the awards, anyhow. We can track him down before the lunch starts. Everyone just find a seat. This shouldn't take long."

As the Gung-Ho Guns filed into a line of seats, Midvalley and Rai Dei already beginning to covertly pick at each other, Knives realized something. He was acting less the part of a brutal leader than that of an exasperated parent. He was so exhausted that he was losing his malice! _I have to get out of here!_ he moaned to himself. _I'm going soft! This damnable convention is ruining me!_ Dropping into the seat beside Legato, who was already drooling in anticipation of the luncheon, Knives determined that he would be absolutely ruthless for the rest of the day.

"Alright, everyone, can you hear me out there?" Envy had been selected to take the stage and present the awards. "Now it's time for the event you've all been waiting for, the Villains' Con Awards Ceremony!"

The crowd roared its approval.

"As you all know," Envy continued, reading off his announcers sheet, "there are twenty five awards, each to be given to the villain or group of villains that best show the desired trait. Let's begin!"

The pint-sized Homunculus Wrath came out onto the makeshift stage holding a plaque. Envy gave him the mike. "First prize for Most Beautiful Villain," Wrath announced, "is Lust, of FullMetal Alchemist! Give the lovely lady a round of applause, everybody!"

"Way to go, girlfriend!" Dominique and Kagura cheered as Lust sauntered up to accept her plaque amid the deafening clapping and catcalls from the crowd. Knives perked up, thinking that Vash must surely show up to do something stupid right about now. But he did not.

Knives frowned. _This is very strange. Where could he be?_

"Next award," Envy continued, "is Villain with the Best Parenting Skills." He opened the envelope and read off the name. "Sessho-maru-sama!"

The crowd went wild as a delighted Rin pushed and pulled her lord up onto the stage. The dog demon was bright red and looked ready to murder... at least until Rin snatched the plaque from Wrath and presented it to Sessho-maru herself, with an adoring smile. Blushing harder than ever, but looking considerably less likely to kill, the Great Lord of the Western Lands gathered up both child and award and returned to his seat.

Wrath held up the next plaques. "Both the third and fourth awards," Envy announced, "go to the same group of dedicated bad guys. The awards for Most Tenacious and Most Amusing go to Team Rocket!"

There was mass laughter as the Meowth dodged through the crowd to accept the plaques, vainly attempting to avoid all the girls and children who wanted to pet it as it ran by.

"The award for Most Conniving goes to... the demon Naraku!"

Knives scowled as Naraku smugly accepted his plaque, thanking "all the little people" he had destroyed to get where he was today. Knives glared. This was all one colossal joke. He suddenly and viciously felt the need to be... evil. "Legato. Give me your cell phone."

Puzzled, the psychic nonetheless handed his master the cell. He watched with interest as Knives began to dial, wondering what wonderfully naughty turn of events Knives was about to set into motion. He somewhat hoped it would not interfere with the lunch, whatever it was.

For the next fifteen minutes, Knives made calls. He talked through the presentation of the Most Sadistic award to the Dragons of Heaven, of X/1999. He talked through the award for Most Destructive, given to the villains of Dragon Ball Z for the wanton ruin they caused during every battle. And he was still talking after the presentation of the Most Hurtful to Akito Sohma of Furuba, Most Devious to all the evil ninja of Naruto, and Most Suave to Treize Kushrenada and Zechs Marquise of Gundam Wing.

"Next, the Award for Most Eccentric Villains!" Envy called. "This award goes to... the Gung-Ho Guns and their leader, Millions Knives-sama!"

Knives grudgingly took a break from the phone to ascend the stage with Legato and accept the plaque. He took the opportunity to look for Vash once more. No sign of him. Despite himself, Knives was a little hurt. He had won a prestigious award, and his own twin was not there to cheer him. Knives' bad mood darkened. Immediately upon return to their seats, he took up the cell once more and resumed his calls.

More awards were duly given out, but Knives didn't hear them. Lady Piocola and the Black Gema Gema Gang of Di Gi Charat secured the prize for Cutest Villains. Best Dressed and Best Use of Evil Pets went to Vicious of Cowboy Bebop. Most Devious was won by Dr. Muraki Kazutaka of Descendants of Darkness. Largest Group of Villains went to the Nazi vampires. Most Annoying Evil Laugh went to Buggy the Clown of One Piece. Most Annoying Villains Period went to the young alien boy Kish and his two friends, Pie and Tart, from Tokyo Mew Mew. Shishio of Rurouni Kenshin earned himself Most Psychotic. Darcia of Wolf's Rain took home Cruelest to Animals. Most Creative Evil Schemes went to Beck "Gold" of the Big O. Best Hair was taken by Lady Beryl of Sailor Moon. And Most Likely to Snap in the Near Future went to Little Slugger of Paranoia Agent, who immediately snapped and began to beat people with his golden bat.

"And finally," Envy finally announced as Knives ended his last call with a smug smile on his face, "the final award! Most Likely to Take Over the World goes to..." The entire assembly held its breath, waiting. "The government! Hey... what?" Envy quickly reread the announcement. "The VGN – the Villain Governmental Network. That's what it says. Oh, well. Pitch the plaque, Wrath."

The tiny Homunculus did so without further ado. The assembly sat silently for a moment, stunned, before realizing that there was always next year and began to look forward to the eminent lunch buffet. Everyone stood up and made ready to enter the dining room.

"One moment, if I may."

Knives' head jerked up as Naraku's voice filled the hotel lobby. That sorry S.O.B. just didn't know when to quit. He turned to scream at the demon to get the hell off the stage, but stopped with his mouth hanging open in shock.

There, from a mysteriously new and gaping hole in the ceiling directly over the spot where Naraku was standing, hung a large metal cage. And inside that cage, lying bound and gagged with duct tape, was Vash the Stampede, looking miserable and whimpering like a lost puppy.

"Millions, I believe this belongs to you?" Naraku was in his element, a sadistically smug smile stretching from ear to ear.

Staring upwards across the lobby and through the bars of the cage, Knives' eyes met his twin's own wide, tearful ones. An unreadable expression flashed across his face. Legato blanched. "Oh, shit!"

"Why?" Dominique was looking around frantically. "What is it? What's going on, Legato?"

Slowly backing away from his master, the psychic began to sweat. "I can't quite be sure, Dominique," he gulped, "but I believe it might be go time."

And, as usual, Legato was not far wrong.

**O.O.O.O.O**

To Be Concluded

**o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o**

**(2****nd****) Author's Note:** Yay! It's ready! Thanks to Jay-chan and Chas-chan for helping me out with villain awards and picking who should receive them. I luv dem! (purrrrr) Tune in next time for the epic conclusion of the Villain's Con! See you then, everybody!


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note:** Lucky chapter sevens, everyone! Ahem. This final chapter is dedicated to all of my wonderful readers and reviewers who have stuck with me all this time. Your encouragement is what enabled me to finish this story, and make each episode as funny and well written as I could. Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart. (kitty smile) And now, on with chapter seven!

**Disclaimer:** As you know, I own no one. That means they're all still safe...

**o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o**

Vash whimpered pitifully. He was confused, disoriented, and had a headache. From his vantage point, high in the cage hanging over the lobby, he could see his twin looking up at him. The younger plant did his best sad puppy look over the heavy swathes of duct tape covering the lower half of his face. He then proceeded to do something he had not willingly done in years. He opened a mental connection with his brother. /_Knives? Could you, uh, maybe get me down? You know I, uh, don't really like heights all that much... the tape's starting to cut off my circulation... Help? Please./_

Knives' eye began to twitch. Vash could see Legato backing away from his twin as if in a panic. /_Sure, Vash. Hang on a second. This shouldn't take long./_/And the older sibling turned to Naraku.

"HOW DARE YOU?" Knives bellowed, the fires of hell in his eyes, pointing an accusing finger at the surprised hanyou who was still posing on the makeshift stage. Without waiting for an answer he whipped out his gun from seemingly nowhere, a trick he had picked up watching Wolfwood with his portable confessional, and began to fire at Naraku.

"Wait!" Naraku dove out of the way, hiding behind the podium Envy had been standing at. The Homunculus was nowhere to be seen. "Millions, stop! Hit me and your brother will be doomed, I swear it!" This wasn't working out exactly like he had planned...

"Naraku, if you do not get my brother down off that ceiling in two seconds you're going to find yourself in the morgue with a little tag on your big toe! I'm not messing around with you today, dammit!" Knives used the last of his ammunition to fill the wooden podium full of hot lead. Vash may have been a loud, aggravating, spiky annoyance, but he was _Knives'_ loud, aggravating, spiky annoyance, and no one was going to hurt him and hobble away alive.

Beginning to be the slightest bit concerned, Naraku scrambled off the stage. Knives did seem to have a lot of ammo on him this morning. Besides that the plant-like freak was not playing into his trap at all. Millions was supposed to beg for mercy, damn it, not go ballistic and shoot up the lobby! "Kagura!" he commanded, "stop this insolent shrub! Kagura?"

"That could prove... to be a bit of a problem... Master," the Wind Witch managed to gasp out over the foot that was firmly planted on her stomach, pinning her and her giant feather to the floor in front of the main hotel entrance.

Knives smiled a small, evil smile. "Ah. Right on time."

Naraku stared. He blanched. He began to shake in anger. He began to sneeze, as his inexplicable half-demon allergy kicked in. There in the giant doorway that led to the parking lot, surrounded by heroes of various makes and models that looked heavily armed and raring to go, stood the evil hanyou's arch nemesis.

InuYasha held up a cell phone with a cocky grin. "You rang?" he quipped. Villains all around the lobby rapidly got over their shock and braced, preparing for the fight that was invariably to come. And come it did. With a roar both heroes and villains sprang forward, intent on making today the day that they vanquished the other side once and for all.

Naraku was seething with barely-concealed anger. He turned to glare at Knives, possibly the only stationary figure in the swirling mass of fighters. "You."

Knives felt his insane, diabolical grin stretching across his face. "Well, what did you think I was doing? Calling out for pizza?" He shook his blonde head, grin growing impossibly wider. "Silly demon. Tricks are for plants!"

With a roar of rage Naraku morphed into his giant spider form, and Knives leapt forward to meet the assault, cramming more bullets into his custom colt. Here was one bug that needed to be squashed, and Knives was more than willing to play the Orkin Man.

Screaming like a little girl, Dominique dove on Legato. It was anybody's guess how she managed to do that without skewering something on his shoulder spikes, but she did it. "Dominique, get off!" the psychic yelled, flailing his arms as he tried in vain to pry the terrified Cyclops off his face. "I must assist the Master!"

"_Spider!_" she screamed hysterically, clinging to Legato like glue. "I _hate_ spiders!"

After much effort, Legato finally managed to pull her off. In the swirling chaos that was the hotel lobby, he saw that Knives had run out of ammo and, laughing madly, had deployed his angel arms to better deal with Naraku's challenge. "I think we have a bigger problem than the spider, Dominique."

The blue-haired man turned and ran, holding onto Dominique as best he could and grabbing Zazie by the collar of his poncho as the little Beast ran by. It was time to get the hell out of Dodge.

Midvalley and Rai Dei were already heading for the door, having surprisingly had the foresight to go back to their rooms and grab the luggage. Rai Dei in particular was weighted down with all the samurai manga he had purchased while at the con, and had his Kenshin plushie hanging from his teeth by the back of its little plushie robes.

Wolfwood waded calmly through the confusion smoking another cigarette, the second to last one of his pack. He had his and Vash's duffle bags slung over one shoulder and a plastic sack full of souvenirs in hand. Satisfied with life in general, he was ready to head home.

"Mister Priest!"

"Huh?" Wolfwood stopped in his tracks. A look of abject terror on his slightly stubbly face, he turned to face the mysterious call.

"Hold it right there, you traitor!" Meryl Strife screamed, barreling toward the priest with derringers blazing. "Benedict Arnold! You're horrible! We trusted you, and look what you let these monsters do to Vash! You will pay!"

Milly Thompson was right behind her diminutive partner, and didn't look too happy, either. "Mister Priest, what have you done to Mister Vash? Why is he in a cage? Why is he hanging from the ceiling? You didn't really do that to him, did you? Answer me, Mister Priest!"

Wolfwood panicked and began to run, bags swinging all around him. "I didn't do anything to him! It was all the giant spider's idea! Leave me alone!" Dimly he realized that the parking lot might be the best place to be, as that was where their getaway vehicle was still parked. So that was where he made for. Cutting through the lobby to lose the irate insurance girls, he made a bee-line for the van.

In moments he had joined Legato, Dominique, and Zazie at the van, helping the Blade and the Hornfreak haphazardly toss their luggage into the back of the vehicle. When that was done, in record time, the Gung-Ho Guns turned to more pressing matters: standing by, watching and waiting, as masses of screaming con attendees flooded out the open doors of the hotel. Heroes, villains, hotel employees, and hapless civilians alike ran screaming for their very lives.

Suddenly there was a mighty explosion from within, followed by the enraged shrieks of a gigantic demon spider as the support beams collapsed and the ceiling fell in. A great beam of light, twisting over on itself like a double helix and presumably stemming from Knives' angel arms, shot out of the ruins of the roof and into the sky.

"Hey!" Wolfwood pointed up at it amiably. "There goes Team Rocket."

Glancing up as the howling trio disappeared with their trademark ping of light, Legato chewed a fingernail absently. "Chapel, I might be wrong, but... shouldn't you be just a bit worried about your friend Vash the Stampede? I mean, he is still inside there, you know... locked in a cage...?"

Wolfwood blinked. "Oh... oh, yeah... oh, damn. Well, he's gonna die." And the priest lit his last cigarette in memoriam for the dearly presumed departed. Midvalley sadly lifted his sax and began to play taps.

Then a miracle occurred.

From out of the doorway of the hotel, surrounded by billowing dust and swirling flames, stepped Millions Knives. Out cold once more, Vash was slung over his twin's shoulder like a sack of potatoes as Knives strode across the parking lot.

Tossing Vash into the back of the van on top of the luggage, Knives turned to the waiting Gung-Ho Guns. "Load up. We're going home."

Everyone piled into the van willingly. Wolfwood turned to take one last look at the con. Naraku, changed back from spider-mode, was thrashing around in front of the flaming remains of the hotel with a growling, snarling InuYasha clinging to his back and chewing tenaciously on his ear. That had to hurt.

Seeing the priest, Lust paused in her own personal battle and called out to him. "Tell Vash to call me!" she yelled, then turned to let lose with her nail knives and attack the Elric brothers once more. The priest saluted with his cigarette hand and ducked into the van.

A second, larger explosion blasted out of the remnants of the hotel. The red van screeched out of the parking lot, the black con banner falling in a waving ebony ribbon behind them. As they sped away, Midvalley's sax could faintly be heard, playing, in slightly melancholy refrain, the end theme from Jurassic Park.

**O.O.O.O.O**

Knives drove. He stopped for nothing. Not stop signs, not stop lights, not the four traffic cops who tried in vain to catch up to and pull him over on the highway. Three and a half hours passed away like this, the Gung-Ho Guns remaining mostly quiet and subdued.

Legato, having reclaimed the front seat, was more than satisfied to gaze adoringly at his new prized possession; the snapshot Dominique had taken of himself and Master Knives standing on the stage, accepting the Most Eccentric award together. Little hearts fluttered around his head in the breeze from the air conditioning. This puppy was going on the fridge, and after that into the Master Knives scrapbook.

Midvalley and Rai Dei were still at each other, but quietly. A stuck out tongue and a covert middle finger flip were all they dared to risk at the moment, but it was enough. Dominique glared at them and rolled her eyes at the immaturity. Zazie had gone back into his "little lost human child" routine and was doing his best to climb onto the Cyclops' lap.

Wolfwood lounged in the back seat, leafing through all the brochures he had picked p at the con. He had cleaned and bandaged the nasty lumps on Vash's head with his portable first aide kit, so he just had to kill time until the goofy blonde woke up and resumed entertaining him. That couldn't take all that long, could it?

"Dominique, I'm hungry," Zazie finally whimpered. "When can we eat lunch? Are we gonna get KFC?" The little blonde boy looked up to make eye contact with Legato in the rearview mirror. "You said we could get chicken on the way back, right, Legato?"

The psychic winced. He had said that, hadn't he? He somehow liked the little brat better in his demonic Beast mode. "Hell, I don't know! Ask the Master, Zazie. It's his decision." He secretly hoped that Knives would heed the child, if not with KFC, then at least with some form of sustenance. After all, he _had_ been made to leave the con without attending the awards luncheon, and he was hungry.

Zazie leaned forward until his little blonde head was right next to Knives' elbow. "Knives? Can we get KFC? Can we, huh? Can we?"

With every "can we?" Knives flinched. His fists tightened on the steering wheel. Finally he reached down and pushed Zazie's head back into the back seat. "Alright! We will stop for chicken! Just shut up!"

Smiling happily, Zazie settled back next to Dominique to await his long-awaited meal. Swinging his sneakered feet, he began to hum a little tune that sounded to Dominique suspiciously like the chicken dance.

Legato was greatly disturbed. "What are you plotting, you evil little worm?" he growled suspiciously, peering at the little boy over the back of his seat.

Zazie gazed at him innocently. "Nothing." He then pulled a fat book out of his overnight bag and began to read, seeming to ignore the psychic altogether. Legato was now very worried, and also slightly angry that the little boy was ignoring him. These feelings persisted as Knives pulled off the interstate and through a small town, finally locating a KFC.

"You all wait here," Knives growled. "I'm going to go inside to get the food and we will eat in the car. I don't want another Taco Bell episode." As he went inside, Rai Dei had the bright idea to open the van's side doors, letting in the warm and refreshing breeze. Obediently, the band of killer outlaws sat and waited for their master's return.

And waited.

And waited.

"What is that you're reading?" Legato, pushed by boredom, finally demanded. He had stepped out of the van to stretch and was leaning against the open door, next to where Zazie was still engrossed in his book. He now snatched the book away from the Beast to scan the cover. "Harry Potter? Zazie, I sometimes wonder what goes on inside that little skull of yours, but I hesitate to probe for fear of mental trauma for life."

Insulted, Zazie snatched his reading material back. "Harry Potter is awesome! Just 'cause you got no imagination, loser..."

Legato frowned. "Zazie, I realize that your human persona is only ten years old, but surely even you must realize that those books are pure fantasy. Nothing can be gained from reading of the fictionally dramatized life and times of a teenage wizard."

"Oh, yeah?" Zazie (still in his innocent child phase) challenged loudly. "Then how is it I can use wizard spells to bend you to my will, huh, smarty?"

"By all means, do demonstrate." Legato allowed a small smile, half of pity and half amusement. He was already formulating the scathing remarks that would emotionally damage the ten-year-old's psyche forever when his little "spell" proved unsuccessful.

"Okay. You asked for it." Scanning his page one final time for reference, Zazie laid down his book on the seat of the car and hopped out to face Legato. Dropping into a fighting stance, he held out the battered length of cut coat hanger he fondly fancied a wand and pointed it firmly at the relaxed and waiting psychic. "Crucio!" And he kicked Legato between the legs.

Knives, inside the restaurant, saw his minion go down. _Ouch,_ he thought absently, watching Legato writhe in the parking lot. _I wonder what that was about. Oh, well._

"Here you are, sir." The lucky Kentucky Fried Chicken employee on duty behind the counter handed Knives his bags of chicken, biscuits, coleslaw and mashed potatoes. "Thank you and come again."

"Whatever." Grabbing the food without a backward glance, Knives left the restaurant to return to the van and check Legato. He had a feeling he would be needed to prevent another attempted Zazie assassination.

Legato had crawled back into the front seat of the van and was whining softly in his misery. Good little boy Zazie had given up the ghost and snapped back into demon-child mode. He was currently tearing tail around the parking lot, dodging passing cars and laughing insanely at his victory over Legato.

The psychic growled malevolently. He was going to shove that cursed book down the Beast's throat and asphyxiate him with it, and then he was going to...

_/No, Legato./ _Came the warning inside his head.

_/My apologies, Master./_ The psychic immediately banished all destructive thoughts from his mind, to be dredged up later. For now, he had something better to concentrate on than his injured lower half. His merciful Master, light and joy of his life, was presenting him with food. What more could a lowly minion ask?

"Come on, Tongari, wakey wakey." Wolfwood dug into one of the bags and found a promising item for his lunch. Unwrapping the chicken sandwich, he wafted it under the gunman's nose, hoping that the aroma would snap the blonde out of his comatose state.

It did. Vash twitched and sniffed deeply. With a pained wince he opened his eyes a tiny crack. "Nick? What...? Where are we? Where's the con?" He sat up in a panic, then grabbed his head with a pained squeak.

"We left the con," the priest clarified, taking a large bite of his sandwich. "Er, what's left of the con after Naraku and your brother got through with it. We'll be home in a few hours." Gulping down his bite of sandwich, he reached for a soda. "Want something to eat? Some chicken, maybe a biscuit? We got plenty."

"Some Aspirin?" Vash moaned, shifting up into a slightly more comfortable position to accept the offered bag.

Knives allowed a small smile as he opened his own sandwich. Good, Vash was alive after all. The cursed con was in shambles, the evil demon had been vanquished, and he was on his way back home. All was right in his little psycho-plant world. Until...

"Mister spiky person!" Rin squealed, diving through the wide open door to land in Vash's lap. "You're not knocked out any more! I'm glad, since lord Sessho-maru didn't want me to mess with you when you were asleep, and now that you're awake I can talk to you and –"

"This is not happening." Knives reached over the back of his seat and grabbed the enthusiastic little girl by the back of her yukata. Firmly, he placed her out of the van and back onto the asphalt of the parking lot. "I want you to go back where you came from, _now._"

"But... but..." Rin pouted, lower lip quivering.

Vash was appalled. "Knives! Be nice! She just wanted to see me, and she's so kawaii--!"

"Shut up, Vash. Go on!" Knives yelled at Rin, pointing away from the van. "If you're here, that means that the mangy dog who watches you is here as well, and I'm not _even_ in the mood! Get lost before he comes over here! I swear, if he shows up I'll rip his stupid tail right out of his... What the hell do you want, Vash?"

The younger plant was pointing frantically up, the light of terror in his eyes. Knives peered up and out of his open door as the huge shadow of an enormous, ticked off dog demon in full demonic form loomed over the van. Wisely, the rest of the Gung-Ho Guns sought what refuge they could under and behind their seats as Sessho-maru's giant paw shot out and swiped Knives out of the vehicle.

As the Great Lord of the Western Lands batted Knives around the KFC parking lot, overturning cars and dodging staccato blasts from the angel arms, Vash gathered Rin back into his arms. "So kawaii," he cooed rapturously, offering her a box of pocky he had purchased at the con. She happily accepted, completely ignoring the havoc her lord was wrecking just a few feet away. Wolfwood simply rolled his eyes and went back to his chicken.

Legato peeked out the window, whimpering a bit as he ate his own food. He wanted to help Knives, he really did... only, as things now stood, he would most likely wind up getting eaten by the giant doggie, with no chance of getting back in one piece to eat his yummy lunch. So he would eat fast, then help Knives. That decided, he tore an enormous bite out of the chicken leg he was holding and gulped down six potato wedges in quick succession.

The blue-haired psychic was just finishing his dessert (a root-beer float) when Knives hobbled back to the van, dirty, ragged, and covered in paw marks. He stared at his cowering minion for a long moment, then slapped Legato firmly. "Where were you on _that_ one, dip-shit?" he yelled, shoving the stunned psychic out of the van.

"I'm sorry, Master!" Legato wailed, trying to scramble back inside. "I meant to... I was going to... really, I was!"

Knives slammed the door on his minion's fingers.

Sessho-maru, back in his more human-like form, appeared next to Vash's door. "Time to go, Rin," he muttered absently, smoothing his long ivory hair back into place. He had a rather large scorch mark on his fluffy, due to angel arm, and was slightly distracted while trying to estimate the cost of an emergency trim and dye job for the injured appendage.

"Bye, mister spiky person!" Rin jumped out of the van and ran to follow her lord, waving at Vash over her shoulder.

He waved goodbye sadly. "I just love kids." he sniffled. "And I think that I... I might... oh, I want one, Nicky! One of my own! Waaah!"

Eye twitching, Wolfwood shoved the blonde off. "Uh, you should probably take that up with Lust, then, okay?" He really hoped that Vash wouldn't. The thought of one or more miniature Vashes unleashed upon an unsuspecting world to spread chaos and well-meaning destruction scared him badly.

"Oh, right. Sorry." Sheepishly, Vash began to pick up the various trash items off the floor boards, wondering what he would even name a child if he ever were to have one. Probably Rem if it was a girl, but then again he had also always liked the name Jenny. And possibly... yes, Nicholas if it were a boy. He considered for a moment naming a son after Knives, then discarded the idea with a shudder. Yes, definitely Nicholas for a boy.

So preoccupied was the plant that he nearly tossed away the neatly folded packet of paper he came across, neatly nestled in with the other trash items. At the last moment he took a second look. "Hey, bro? This is for you."

"What?" Knives did not look pleased, glaring back at his twin in the rearview mirror. He had a lovely black eye forming. "I don't care. Throw it away."

"But Knives, it has your name on it." Not waiting for his twin to answer, he unfolded the paper. "Oh, look, it's a note. Want me to read it?"

"Do I really look like I care?" Knives growled, slurping off the rest of his drink.

Vash shrugged and began to read.

"Millions;" the note read. "Congratulations on your assault against the idiot formerly known as Naraku. I was greatly anticipating his receiving a large dose of comeuppance. In other, smaller words that your vegetable brain can process: he had it coming. Dialing my brother and the other heroes was, dare I suggest it, nearly a stroke of genius. Oh, and my thanks to you for also destroying the beastly convention. I wasn't enjoying myself in the slightest, and it provided some much needed amusement. Do not hope to see you soon, however. With just the slightest hint of respect, Sessho-maru."

Wolfwood and the others were giggling madly as Vash finished reading and disposed of the note. Legato, sucking his hurt fingers, looked upset. The doggie had a lot of nerve addressing his master as a vegetable...

Knives sighed deeply, pitching his empty cup out the window and into a trash receptacle. Save the environment, prevent forest fires, and all that.

Tomorrow was another day. He could plot revenge against the stuck-up dog demon later. And oh, would he ever. "Close the doors, you idiots. We're leaving." He paused to look back into the rear of the van. "And Hornfreak..."

"Yes, Master?"

"You have exactly three minutes to go inside and use the restroom."

"Yes, Master." Sweat-dropping, Midvalley got out and ran for it. The remainder of the ride promised to be a tiring one.

**O.O.O.O.O**

The ride did turn out to be rather long and uneventful, but tiring just the same. The van load of villains and one would be outlaw hero arrived at the Gung-Ho Guns' base just as the sun was setting.

Scarcely was the van in park than the occupants began to pile out of it, grabbing baggage and shouting each other down over who was to secure a turn in the shower first.

Zazie shot around the back of the base, presumably to greet his sand-worm friends and tell them all about his experiences at the con.

Midvalley and Rai Dei hand not forgotten their honor duel. The samurai and sax player shook hands on meeting out back, six a.m. the next morning, sharp, then disappeared into the building in search of their own, beloved rooms.

"Hey, Knives, can Vash stay the night?" Wolfwood had the nerve to ask, pulling his gear out of the back of the van he had grown fond of. "He can, right? Unless... you'd like to drive us both back to town to his hotel?"

Knives, exhausted, blew him off. "Whatever, Chapel. Just... do whatever. I don't give a damn, really I don't. Legato, where are you? Get over here!"

As Vash and Wolfwood happily headed into the house to rustle up some snacks, the blue-haired psychic returned from his short trip to the mailbox. "Just stretching my legs, Master," he said cheerfully. "And look. It seems that we accumulated some mail while we were away." As they followed the rest inside, Legato riffled through the pile. "A_ Cosmo_ magazine for Dominique... Midvalley received the new issue of _Musician's Friend_... bill for suit dry-cleaning for Chapel... ah, here's something for the both of us, Master! It's from the B.O.P.P.P.!"

Knives felt a chill crawl up his spine. "What do those idiots want?"

"Allow me to open it, Master." Legato eagerly opened the envelope. "It says: 'We, the Brotherhood of Psychotic, Psychopathic Psychics, cordially invite our esteemed members, Mssrs. Millions and Bluesummers, to our annual Members' Meeting Gathering and Convention!' Oh, won't that be fun, Master? This is so exciting! I'll R.S.V.P. right away –"

Legato never finished his sentence.

Knives neatly shredded the invitation and deposited it into the waste paper basket. Brushing off his hands, he calmly left the unconscious body of his loyal minion lying in the entryway and headed for the bathroom, ready to assert his dominance over the shower.

If he lived to be one thousand, and never heard the word "convention" again, it would be much too soon.

– **Owari**

**o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o**

**(2****nd****) Author's Note:** And so, dear readers, ends the saga of the Gung-Ho Guns' convention experience. We have laughed, cried, and howled in pain and mirth alongside our brave con-goers, but – alas! – their story is through. I hope you have all enjoyed this little fic of mine, and that it has added a splash of humor, however briefly, to your days. Here's hoping we meet again soon.


End file.
